I suck at dating

Guy 81 – Justin – Dump your crazy guy

Justin was one of those let’s spill our guts kind of guys.  He ended up telling me about how he left home at 16 to get away from his mom, joined the army, and never saw his family anymore.  Then he started asking about my history.  I specifically told him there was a lot there and he probably really didn’t want to know all that stuff.  He insisted he did, so I answered his questions.  Jerkoff Justin called me the next day and said I had “dumped my crazy” on him.  What the fuck?  He asked, I warned him, he insisted on knowing.  And it’s not like he told me some fairy tale storybook childhood either.  No thanks, I will dump my crazy elsewhere.

 

Guy 82 – Alistair – Cologne guy

You really don’t need to marinate in it. Yuck.

 

Guy 83 – Mark

Nothing memorable.  I think he worked near my house.  Hope I don’t run into him anywhere, not that I would probably recognize him if I did.

 

Guy 84 – Brad – Young southern guy

Younger guy, very cute.  Just moved to the area from somewhere down south and didn’t know many people.  Why not?  Remember, very cute and my last few were abject failures.  We met a couple times and were over.  I think we were both OK with that.

 

Guy 85 – George – Lumberjack guy

This guy was big.  Like lumberjack big.  Also allergic to cats, which he hadn’t told me upfront.  He left my house in the middle of some severe allergic reaction.  Never saw him again.

 

Guy 86 – Greg

Nothing memorable.  Watched a football game at a bar with him.  He tried to explain it to me.  I said I liked the guys in the orange uniforms.  Didn’t see him again.

 

Guy 87 – Brant – Rich guy

I met Brant at a bar and we had a couple drinks.  He invited me back to his place.  Well, not exactly his.  He explained that he was a caretaker for some rich guy who almost never even came to the house.  From his conversation, I got the impression that Brant’s family had money and were disappointed by his failure to do anything with his life.  Brant was still living in the lap of luxury, and driving the rich guy’s BMW, so things weren’t all bad for him.  We went to the house and hung out in the pool house, which was larger than my first apartment.  I guess if you’re going to be the family failure, you might as well do it in a rich guy’s house.  He was somewhat arrogant, which really doesn’t fly with me.  You may be living in a mansion, but it’s not yours and you haven’t done anything to earn it.  I have a good job in a technical field and a house and car that I earned.  He was a weird guy anyway, needed his nipples almost pinched off to cum.  Not worth putting up with his weird nipple fetish.  Never saw him again.

 

Guy 88- Morton – Friend set up guy

My friend picked this guy out for me.  He was cute, a nice guy, had a good job, and 3 kids from his 2 failed marriages.  One a senior in high school, the others young girls in elementary school.  We had to work around his kid schedule, meaning we pretty much hung out at his house after the kids went to bed.  We were supposed to be dating, but it turned into more of a hookup thing.  Didn’t last long.

 

Guy 89 – Theo – Old pic guy

Theo lived in the neighborhood where I grew up.  He sent me a pic of a guy in a baseball cap, closely shaved facial hair, standing next to a work van.  He was cute, looked around my age, so I agreed to meet him for a drink.  Ten minutes before we were supposed to meet, he sent me another pic saying, this is what I look like now.  What he looked like now was the psycho biker grandfather of the guy in the first pic.  Bald, drinker’s nose, long grey goatee trailing down his chest.  Not someone I would have agreed to meet as I knew there was no attraction there.  My sister and friend said don’t go.  I went and had 1 very tense drink with him.   As I finished my drink he asked, where do we go from here?  I told him, I go home alone, and you go somewhere else.  I went home and emailed him saying, you should provide a recent pic so someone can decide if they want to meet based on what you look like now, not how you looked 10 – 15 years ago.  He emailed back, thanks.  No more Theo.

 

Guy 90 – Julian – Bar fight guy

I met Julian at a local bar.  He grew up in the same neighborhood I had, but was a little older than me.  Oddly enough, he had gone to grade school with my uncles, who had bullied him.  He thought that was a great connection.  I thought it proved my family was full of assholes.  He went to the bathroom at the end of the night and I started watching the couple at the table next to us.  They were early to mid 20s, and you could see they were both getting upset.  That’s when the girl yelled, you know this baby is yours!  OK, now things were getting interesting.  Way more interesting than the date with Julian.  The guy yelled back, what about you hooking up with John?  She answered, that’s besides the point.  This baby is yours.  Then they got up and left the table.  Julian returned and I told him about the fight he had just missed.  I told him he could catch up when they were on the Maury episode of Who’s the Daddy?  Anyway, Julian was a nice guy, but I wasn’t attracted to him as more than a friend.  He wanted more.  That never goes well.  I wish him the best and really wonder, whose baby was it?

 

Guy 91 – Moby – Irish guy 2

Nothing memorable.  He was Irish, and they weren’t high on my list of nationalities to date after the first Irish guy.  Saw him once, that was it.

 

Guy 92 – Jamie

Nothing memorable, only met once.

Guy 75- Jay

Nothing memorable.  He had pretty eyes.  That’s it.

Guy 76 – James – Scared Guy

James was another young guy.  We hung out for an hour or so and he seemed nervous and scared, like he couldn’t get away from me soon enough.  OK, whatever, there are other guys out there.  Then a few months later, I find a Missed Connection on CL that sounds like me.  I emailed back, and sure enough, it was James.  He said he wanted to try again, that he had been young and nervous.  I have to admit, I thought the missed connection thing was sweet, so I gave him another shot.  We met at a bar a few blocks from my house.  It was the first night all over again.  He seemed nervous and bored.  I tried, there’s just nothing there with this guy. He has contacted me again and said that was a long time ago and he thinks we should give it a third shot.  I don’t see that in the cards.  At least not right now.

Guy 78 – Ernie – Work Guy

OK, so, yeah… Work guy.  Yes, I know this was a mistake.  It was an alcohol induced beginning.  He had just started at the company I had been with for about 12 years.  He was younger (maybe 8 – 10 years) and suggested we hang out one night.  I didn’t know much about him since he was new, but he seemed like a nice guy and wasn’t bad looking.

We met at my house and walked over to my local bar.  A few drinks later, we walked back to my house.  Next thing I knew, I was in his lap and we were making out.  I still have no idea how that happened.  Aside from the alcohol, obviously.

Then we started hooking up.  It wasn’t an every night thing, just here and there, mostly when I had insomnia and was bored.  I know I should have stopped it immediately, but the guy had some impressive oral skills and I wasn’t getting laid anywhere else.  I figured it was relatively harmless, told him I didn’t want anyone at work to know and he agreed.  He was in my department, but in a different group, so I didn’t see him often.  Then disaster struck.

My company had a “reorg” in which my group was eliminated.  They kept most of us in the department, but we were merged into work guy’s group.  No big deal, I could handle that.  There were 6 teams in the group and no reason to assume I’d be in his.  I was merged into his team. Fuck.  I figured it would just be a little weird.  It was actually way weird and awkward.  I had to sit in team meetings next to a guy who had seen me naked and told me to “sit on his face” (not my thing, but definitely his).  No matter how hard I tried, it felt wrong.  Plus, I was getting outside pressure to end it – more on that later.  I decided the best thing to do was let it die a natural death.  It’s not like we were super into each other.  My big fear was pissing him off and having him spill to my coworkers.  I work with mostly guys, in a field highly dominated by men.  They would have a field day with this information and I’d never live it down.

I stopped texting him or suggesting we meet.  I think he got the hint and tailed off too on his end.  There was still an occasional grab at work, but I was trying to end that as well.  Again, I wanted everything to stay on good terms so he would keep his mouth shut.  He was still quite obviously more friendly to me than other coworkers, and I heard there were some rumors, but I never caught a whiff of anything concrete.  As far as I was concerned, it was mission accomplished.

I did almost blow it drunk texting him on my birthday about a year later (I was feeling old and not dating anyone).  There was some talk about why we didn’t get together anymore and how he thought that I didn’t want to meet.  Of course idiot me replied that I don’t do anything I don’t want to and was on the verge of inviting him over to my house that night.  That’s when a group of guys walked into the bar and one of them decided to spend the rest of the night hitting on me.  When you’re 41 and a 28 year old guy pays attention to you, it’s kinda flattering.  Anyway, I was suitably distracted for the rest of the night and never got back to drunk texting work guy.  He was over, and stayed over, thank God.

I really should have my phone taken away as soon as I start drinking.  It would be for my own good.  Instead, my friends and family watch as I implode my already fucked up social life once I pass three drinks.  Thanks, guys!

007 AGAIN

I know, I can’t believe it either.  In the middle of the work guy mess, 007 turned up again.  This time was totally him contacting me.  His new routine, in addition to the usual “you should fuck me” crap, was to ask if I had a boyfriend.  I explained that I didn’t really have a boyfriend, but I was in the middle of work guy situation.  007 got very pissy about this and pointed out what a bad move it was, as if I wasn’t already fully aware of the mess I made.  As mentioned above, I was working on ending all work guy activities.  There was the usual back and forth for the next few weeks, interspersed with shit about work guy.  This round he decided to grace me with his presence.  It was the traditional last minute let’s meet now thing and I was actually around.  I told him there was no way I’d have sex with him, and he agreed not to be a jerk about it.  He came over.  There was an awkward hour or so of conversation/arguing, and then he finally kissed me.  There were hands under clothes, but no sex.  Then he left, said he’d see me again and disappeared as usual.  At least he was consistent.

Guy 78 – Tony – Hypocrite Guy

Tony thought it was great that I made guys wear condoms when I had sex with them.  That meant that I was disease free and could fuck Tony without a condom.  I should just trust that he was clean, although he clearly hooked up with women without protection.  It just wasn’t the same for him with a condom.  He didn’t enjoy sex then.  Hypocrite wasn’t enjoying sex or anything else with me after that bullshit.  If I had a dollar for every guy that said sex was better without a condom, I would have a lot of dollars.  I was through with Tony.

Guy 79 – Ben

Pretty much forgettable.  He had big muscles.  That’s it.

Guy 80 – Jesse – Short guy

He was short, that’s all I found notable.  Sorry…

Guys 59 and 60 – Mitchell and Trey

Nothing memorable, sorry.  Maybe next time.

 

Guy 61 – Zeke – Criminal guy

I emailed back and forth with Zeke for a week or so.  We agreed to meet at a frozen yogurt shop.  His pictures hadn’t shown him wearing a skull cap and covered in tattoos.  I mean large visible tattoos.  Like all over his neck.  OK, it’s just appearance, we can get past this.  It’s not like he’s one of the age deniers.  That’s what I told myself over and over again.  My mantra ended when he said he hadn’t been completely honest about his recent past.  He had been living in Nevada, or Colorado, or Montana, or whatever state out that way.  That part was true.  What he didn’t mention was that he’d been living in a prison in that state for the last 8 years.  He claimed it was a DUI thing, his first one.  Sorry, I wasn’t buying it.  Eight years on a first DUI?  He either killed someone in his “first DUI”, or he was completely lying about the offense.

He wasn’t allowed to drive and had walked 2-3 miles to meet me.  I agreed to drop him off on a main street somewhere by his house.  I dropped him off, said so long and drove home thinking, yeah, I’m not going anywhere near this guy again.

And then he called me.  Not like the next day or next week.  I’m talking about 20 minutes after I dropped him off.  He said he really liked me and wanted to see me again.  In fact, he thought I should go back and pick him up in 10 minutes.  I passed.  Maybe Zeke had paid his debt to society and earned a second chance.  Unfortunately, he creeped me out and I wasn’t trying a second time.  Bye Zeke.  Stay clean.  Or sober.  Or good or whatever (still don’t know the offense).

 

Guy 62 – Roland – No face pic guy

Roland seemed like a nice guy.  Good job, not likely to be a criminal, interested in meeting.  But he didn’t want to send a pic because he had to be careful with his job.  Or something.  Some stupid excuse.  He finally said he’d send me a body pic.  Dude was a runner.  Serious runner with muscular legs, six pack stomach, you get the idea.  OK, fine, I’ll meet Roland for dinner.  How bad could he be with that body?

I get to dinner and find Roland.  And Roland’s real reason for not sending a face pic.  He was extremely unattractive.  I’m talking goofy looking guy, bad teeth, bad haircut, etc.  We had dinner and he wanted to meet again.  I would have no problem being friends with the guy, but we were both looking for someone to date, so that was the end of Roland.  And the end of meeting ANYONE without a face pic.

 

Guys 63 and 64 – Seth and Joel

Nothing memorable, aside from Joel telling me I was intimidating.  I don’t see it.  I’m a really small woman.  When discussing it with a close friend, she said it’s probably because I’m very direct and have a big mouth.  I think she said it more tactfully, but that was the gist of it.  Oddly enough, he wasn’t the first guy to call me intimidating.  That would be 007.  I find this odd, because he was one of the few guys I found intimidating.  I knew he was as smart as I was, and would call me on my shit.  Most guys let it slide past, either because they didn’t care, didn’t want to start an argument, or didn’t have the balls to confront me.  I kinda met my match with 007, and realized, I might not win this one.  I wouldn’t say I am a competitive person, but I don’t like losing.  So yeah, I find that intimidating.  Anyway, moving on…

 

Guy 65 – Matt – Oral guy

Matt was a guy my age.  I should have known from the start that it was doomed.  He had 3 kids and already had the kid/ex wife drama going on in the first meeting.  Strike 1. He once walked in my house at night wearing sunglasses.  I don’t know why, but this really bothers me.  Strike 2. I told him only tools wear sunglasses at night.  He didn’t do that again with me.  He wasn’t the best looking guy I had dated, nor was he the worst.  I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was fun.  He was a guy I didn’t expect to be around long term.  Kind of a fun while it lasted type of thing.

Matt’s greatest appeal by far was his oral skills.  The guy was amazing.  I have no idea what he did down there, but I wish he would train every guy I ever sleep with to do it.  Unfortunately, that was all he could do.  The guy could not get hard or stay hard enough to actually have sex with me.  He told me that if I fucked him on my dining room table, he wouldn’t have any problems.  Oddly enough, this didn’t appeal to me.

The guy had constant car and babysitter issues, so seeing him was spotty.  I was out with my sister one night at the bar, and texted him saying he should come meet us.  He said it was snowing and his car sucked in the snow, and that I was the one who drove a jeep, and was way too trashed to pick him up.  (we had walked to the bar, it’s like 3 blocks from my house.)  He said there was no way he was walking to the bar because it was “octic” outside.  This was where my sister and I lost it.  I texted him back, asking with “octic” meant.  He said I thought I was so smart, but he knew more than I did.  He said it meant it was cold outside.  My sister grabbed my phone, dying to text him what an idiot he was.  I told her no, I wasn’t ready to give him (or rather, his oral skills) up yet.  I let “octic” go.

Sadly Matt didn’t last long beyond this.  He became more and more spotty in being available and actually showing up.  It got to the point where he was blowing me off more than he was seeing me.  It was always his job, or his kids, or his ex, some kind of drama.  Things kind of trailed off and it just wasn’t a thing anymore.  I probably should have let it go, but I couldn’t.  Once I knew we were through, I texted to inform him that “octic” was an obscure mathematical term.  “Arctic” referred to cold weather.  He didn’t thank me for setting him straight.  I didn’t really miss him, but I did miss his oral skills.  I have yet to meet someone to match what he could do.

 

Guys 66, 67 and 68 – Jensen, Jeremy and Jasper (what’s with all the J names? I met lots of J name guys)

Nothing memorable.  Jensen was kind of sweet and shy.  That’s pretty much it.

 

Guy 69 – Scott – Self absorbed guy

I met Scott as a hook up kind of thing.  He was a nice guy, we had a good time, we were done.  At least, that’s what I thought.  About a month later, I got a call from a guy calling me Julie and asking how I was.  I thought it was a wrong number, until he explained who he was and I realized he didn’t even remember my name (it’s not Julie, btw).  He asked if I wanted to get together again and suggested I come over his place at 6 (he lived nowhere near me, we’re talking a 40 minute drive here, minimum).  I was out and told him I wouldn’t be home before 7 at the earliest.  That presented a problem for Scott, as he had dinner plans with friends at 8.  So this guy calls me, forgets my name, wants me to drive down to his place so he can conveniently fit banging me in the schedule, all without changing his dinner plans.  Julie/I decided to pass on his dial a date scheme and I never heard from him again.

Guy 70 – Sean – Sweet Australian guy

Sean had come to the US to meet a girl he had been talking to/dating for several months.  Only the poor guy spent a fortune on airfare, and she dumped him the second he got here.  He was by far one of the sweetest, nicest guys I have ever met.  He was also much younger.  I made him dinner and hung out with him a couple times.  He actually brought me flowers.  He was the first guy to do that since flower guy.  He was only here for a few weeks, and then went back to Australia.  We still keep in touch, emailing every few weeks or so.  He is one of only 2 guys in this whole dating mess with whom I still talk.  I miss Sean.

 

Guy 71 – Jace – Throat guy

Nothing really stood out, aside from him reaching for my throat in the middle of sex.  Again, other people are into that shit, but I am not one of them.  A guy I once slept with told me he knew if one of us was ever going to be tied up during sex, it would be him.  Anyway, asshole reached for my throat, and I immediately formed a fist to punch him in the face.  He dropped his hands, we were done for good.

 

Guy 72 – Judah – Teeth guy

Judah claimed he was amazing at oral.  After Matt, I found this hard to believe, but what the hell, let the guy try.  He used his teeth to try and gnaw off my clit.  I don’t know who told this guy he should act like a squirrel trying to open a nut, but they should be shot.  No teeth in oral.  I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked it if I raked my teeth down his penis.  Judah was done.

 

Guy 73 – Jerome

Nothing memorable.  On to the next.

 

Guy 74 – Perry – earthy crunchy save the world guy

Perry wasn’t bad.  We had fun together.  He was one of those earthy crunchy, power of positive thinking, save the world kind of guys.  Yeah, I know, really not my thing.  I was obscenely busy at work at the time and had to cancel on him a couple times.  Then he asked me to meet him somewhere on a Saturday.  I ended up going in to work instead, thank God.  It was one of those seminar things where the company tries to recruit you for their get rich quick scheme.  (I had no idea what it was when he asked me to go – definitely should have asked for more info on that one.)  He got tired of me cancelling on him for work, and I had no interest in his business schemes, so we were done.

Guy 53 – Ethan – Rape van guy

I talked to Ethan via email for a few days and agreed to meet for dinner at my local bar.  We had to sit in the back garden seating area, because Ethan chain smoked through dinner.  Finished dinner and walked out together.  Ethan said he enjoyed dinner and asked if wanted a ride home – in his rape van.  OK, maybe the rape van thing is a stereotype, but I’d rather walk home than find out for sure.  I hugged Ethan goodbye and he rammed his tongue down my throat.  I had no intention of kissing the guy.  He wasn’t all that interesting at dinner and he smelled like a fucking ashtray.  I found out he tasted like one too.  I pulled away, said it was nice meeting him and walked home.  I had no desire to see Ethan again.

I got home and immediately emailed Ethan.  I said he was a nice guy (chose not to address him forcing his tongue down my throat), but I didn’t think we had much in common and shouldn’t meet again.  Imagine my surprise when he texted me a few days later and asked me to go to a “house party” with him in a pretty questionable neighborhood.   He said there would be lots of people there and be really fun.  I replied back that it really didn’t sound like my kind of thing, and thanked him for the invitation.  He had forcibly kissed me, and now he was ignoring me saying I didn’t want to see him again?  What the hell?  He texted me a few days later and said, I just saw your email, thanks.   The moral of this story – check your damn email after a date with someone you met online and don’t date chain smokers who drive rape vans.

 

Guy 54 – Christian – Not as smart as he thinks guy

I don’t know if I was stuck in a van rut or something, but the guy who followed rape van guy was a mover.  Christian had told me about his job and made it very clear that he was way overqualified and intelligent for the position, and it was just a stepping stone on the way to better things.  OK, dude, you just told me you’re a sensitive cry baby and I have to try not to hurt your feelings.

I met Christian at my house and we walked to my usual restaurant.  Walking distance from my house, and I really do like their food.  I should have started asking for a commission for each guy I brought there.  The first thing the waiter said to us was, their credit card machine was broken, so they were only taking cash that day.  He immediately followed this with, there’s an ATM at the bank across the street, most people have just been going over there.  I checked my wallet and I did have cash on me.  My general rule on dates was, I’m fine paying for my own meal, drinks, whatever.  There was no reason to expect the guy to pay, especially when I knew I was never going to see him again.  If a guy made a big deal about it, fine, I’d let him pay if it made him happy, but I never assumed he would.  Anyway, I said I had cash and Christian said he would go to the ATM across the street at some point.  Crisis averted.  The waiter led us to a table on the little outdoor deck area – another reason I like this restaurant.

We started talking and by talking I mean, he took over the conversation and I mostly listened, interjecting every now and then when the opportunity arose.  He wasn’t the first guy who liked to talk about himself, and he wouldn’t be the last.  I was OK with this until he said, you’re really gregarious.  I was surprised he would say that, given that his side was about 90% of the conversation.  I asked, am I talking a lot and being annoying or something?  He said no, that’s not what gregarious means.  I told him it was the meaning of the word (defined as sociable, amiable, genial, outgoing if you google it).  I had been none of those things, or even had the opportunity to speak most of the time.  I had mainly been sitting in silence.  No, Christian assured me, it means quirky.  I tried again to tell him that wasn’t what it meant and he had used the word incorrectly, but he cut me off, saying he was right and I didn’t know what I was talking about.  OK, this is where it starts, his need to look intelligent and superior to me.  I figured I would let it go and mostly listened to him talk about the books he had read for the rest of the meal.  He kept dropping long words into the conversation, and used another incorrectly.  I let it go.

The check finally arrived and I reached for my wallet.  Christian said, I’m going to get some cash from the ATM.  He took about 3 steps off the deck and said, I don’t see an ATM.  This is the neighborhood in which I live, so I’m pretty familiar with most of the buildings and landmarks.  I told him take a few more steps and look to his left directly across the street and there would be a bank.  Christian complied and said, I still don’t see a bank.  Do you have enough to cover dinner?  Seriously, dude?  It’s a stand alone branch/building with a large bank sign on it.  We aren’t talking about some lonely wayward ATM, off on its own in some obscure location where no one could find it.  Well, no one except ALL THE OTHER PATRONS who had walked across the street and used the invisible fucking ATM.  It wasn’t paying for the meal that pissed me off.  It was my frustration with a guy who acted like he knew my neighborhood better than me (as I sent him off looking for the large invisible bank), and the fact that he was clearly just being a cheap asshole.  Whatever.  I paid for dinner.

We walked back to my house where Christian followed me in as if it had been prearranged.  It had not.  Then he proceeded to tell me we were really good together and I should sleep with him.  Honest to God, he really thought I would have sex with him.  I decided to try my sister’s ultimatum; he could sleep with me now and never see me again, or wait and see me again and sleep with me at some later date.  I mean, c’mon, he said he really liked me and he was super smart, so of course I wanted to see the tool again, maybe under a car tire.

This decision made Christian furious.  I had no idea what I was talking about.  There was no reason I couldn’t have sex with him and see him again.  In fact, he argued, he would be more likely to want to see me again if I had sex with him tonight.

Despite Christian’s brilliant reasoning and desperate wheedling for sex, I stood my ground.  He had to choose.  He had gotten increasingly angry during the course of the argument and was now clearly pissed off at me.  Finally he said, forget it, I don’t want to do either now, and stormed out of my house.  Needless to say, that was the last I saw of Christian.

 

Guy 55 – Sebastian – Slut email guy

I met Sebastian for drinks.  We were considering a FWB situation and wanted to see if each found the other attractive and did we get along.  I had some reservations going into this one.  His emails had been pretty conservative and uptight.  And in the pictures he sent, Sebastian looked like a huge nerd.  I don’t mean the crazy tech guy who becomes a nerd through his job.  I mean the kid who got picked on in school nerdy, just all grown up.  He was older than me, which I’ve told you already, just wasn’t my thing.  I only agreed to meet him because in one pic where he was smiling (most were very serious shots), he looked like Stabler from Law and Order: SVU.  I mean, really, who doesn’t want Stabler?  And because he had joked about something that made me laugh, I thought it was worth a shot.  So, I held out hope, was the eternal optimist, and went to meet Sebastian.

He walked in the door wearing a sweater vest.  Seriously, a sweater vest on a date where you want to convince a woman to sleep with you on an ongoing basis.  Even Stabler himself can’t pull off a sweater vest.  Maybe it’s shallow and judgmental, but that was Strike 1 for me. We sat and talked for a while and he seemed like a nice enough guy.  Then he told me he was a cat person – Strike 2.  I am a major dog person and have fairly large dogs, while he was a guy with cats.  Plural, as in more than one.  Not only did he have cats of his own, he worked with a cat rescue group in his spare time.  I admire anyone who volunteers their free time to an altruistic activity.  I think that’s an honorable thing to do.  While I respect and admire those people, I didn’t want to sleep with the crazy cat guy – Strike 3.

We talked a little more, said goodnight, and went our separate ways.  I really didn’t see Sebastian as someone with whom I would enjoy spending any time, let alone have sex with the guy.  Sebastian emailed the next day and asked when I wanted to sleep with him.  Slow your roll there, buddy.  I haven’t even said I want to see you again yet.

Clearly I had some concerns about this, and Sebastian being overly aggressive didn’t help.  I emailed back and said I wanted to give it some thought, and not just jump into bed with him.  Apparently, this was not the answer he had expected.  He flipped his shit and immediately emailed me back.  He said I was a slut who’d fuck anyone and everyone knew it.  Thank God I hadn’t slept with this guy.  He was clearly a nutjob.

I considered just letting it go.  Then I remembered who I am.  I’m a bitch with a bad temper, and this guy just poked a stick at me.  Sure, the good adult would have walked away.  I am not a good adult when angry.  So I emailed Sebastian back and told him, yes, I am a slut who fucks EVERYONE, except YOU.  What does that tell you?  I have basically no standards, and yet he couldn’t even meet my low standards so I would fuck him.  I told him sweater vest wearing cat rescue guys seriously needed help in life and I had no interest in him.  Then I blocked the asshole before he could send me an even nastier email.  So long, Sebastian.  Seriously though – sweater vest AND cat rescue guy?  One might have been workable, but no one should have to put in enough work to deal with both.

 

Guys 56 and 57 – Jim and Milo

I have nothing.  There wasn’t anything special about either guy.  Keep moving.  Or reading, or whatever.

 

Guy 58 – Will – Fade guy

Will seemed like a good prospect.  He was around my age, lived kinda close by, we liked the same music.  We met for a drink.  I thought it went well.  Will seemed to think so at first and then gradually changed his mind, fading away.  I had gotten the fade.  I knew what it was because one of the younger guys had talked about it.  I knew there some benefit to seeing those young guys.  Anyway, what the fuck?  You can’t just tell me you aren’t into me?  I swear, I’m not gonna cry.  I’m not even going to care in a couple hours.

So, no more Will.  At least, that’s what you would think. We ended up talking again many months later, and I didn’t realize it was the fade guy.  He finally said, I’d suggest we get together, but you probably think I’m an asshole.  I was confused until he explained he was the fade guy.  I told him no, I don’t think you’re an asshole.  I KNOW you’re an asshole.  And that was the last of Will.

Guy 49 – Joey – Shy guy

Joey was another young one.  He seemed very nervous and shy.  He was cute and eventually at the end of the night he had the balls to kiss me.  I agreed to see him again, and he went MIA.  Turns out he wasn’t that shy, thought that it would get him laid if I thought he was sweet and innocent.  He didn’t get laid, and I just got irritated.  Guys really suck sometimes.

 

Guys 50 and 51 – Adam and Derek

Nothing memorable .  Nothing to see here, folks.  Move along.

 

Guy 52 – Dave – Smelly Color guy

Dave was younger.  He was a nice guy, didn’t want anything but FWB.  It worked out really well for a few months. There were some weird things about him.  So what if he told me he wanted me to sleep with other guys and tell him about it.  I didn’t do that.  He also needed much stronger deodorant, which I spent 3 months trying to figure out how to say tactfully.  I told him I had no problem with him dating women his age, I just wanted out if he started sleeping with one of them.  He agreed this would work for him.

The first night he stayed at my house, he woke up early and asked if my neighborhood was always this noisy in the morning.  No, I realized, it’s not normally this loud.  I looked out the window and saw it was yard sale day for my block.  Every neighbor in the world was out there, and Dave was about to walk right past them to go to some practice thing he had.  I would really prefer that my neighbors know as little as possible about my sex life.  I’m the only single one on the block, and I am sure they already talk about me.  I told him no, he had to wait until the yard sale thing was over.  That was about 5 hours away.  He said he couldn’t wait, but he would try to be discreet.  Yeah, there is nothing discreet about leaving someone’s house at 8 in the morning and walking down the street to your car.  Damnit.  Maybe no one noticed.  Maybe it will slip past.  My neighbor asked me later that day, who was the guy leaving your house early this morning?  Fuck, that didn’t go like I wanted.

Nothing special happened for a couple months.  We hung out, he was nice, I didn’t have any problems with him.  Things were going well, aside from the ongoing deodorant issue.  I was still working on that part.  I considered what I had done when I realized my son needed deodorant.  He had been playing baseball and walked into the house.  Suddenly there was a waft of major body odor.  At first I checked myself.  No, it wasn’t me.  It was definitely the kid.  I called him into the living room and said, hey, listen, you stink and you need to start wearing deodorant, OK?  He said OK, the conversation was over. Somehow this didn’t seem like the right strategy for Dave.

I was out with my sister one night at the local bar where we hung out.  I had made plans to meet with Dave later, but my sister was in a shit mood and wanted another drink.  I texted Dave and asked him to come to the bar and meet me there.  He was fine with that.

He got to the bar and it was obvious my sister was pissed off, so Dave asked why.  I repeated the story she had told me earlier.  She was the single sister, also trying to find a decent guy to date.  She had gone out with a guy the night before, and thought he seemed nice.  Then he took her back to his place, and wanted her to sleep with him.  She gave him a choice, have sex with her right then and never see her again because he would forever be just a hookup, or wait and see her again and have sex at some point later down the road.  Dude argued with her, told her they could have sex that night and still see each other, blah, blah, blah.  In the end dude decides to go for it.  My sister has sex with the guy, said he was absolutely awful. And to top it all off, asshole wanted to cuddle afterwards.  Do you believe this guy? Only when I told Dave the story I was laughing, and Dave said yeah, that’s weird, he wanted to color after sex?  We lost it.  The bar had been listening to the story as well apparently.  One bartender said, if it’s really special, I pull out my box of 64 WITH the sharpener.  The other bartender chimed in, I like pastels when it’s really good.  Then patrons started yelling their preferences for markers and watercolors from the other end of the bar.  Dave was a good sport about it.

Like I said, I had no problem with Dave dating.  He was significantly younger than me, and wanted a marriage and kids, which clearly wasn’t in the cards for me.  He texted me one day and said, I might be at your local bar tonight with a date.  Can you not go there tonight or act like you don’t know me if you see me there? What the fuck? First of all, I never would have approached him had I seen him with some girl his age.  That would be tactless.  I have no desire for every girl he meets to know I sleep with the guy.  But what bothered me most was, he knew my sister and I hung out at that bar.  We were friends with the bartenders (box of 64 and pastels).  He had been there with me.  He wanted me to avoid my local hangout so he could bring some girl there and pretend I didn’t exist if I happened to walk in?  No, I don’t think so. I suggested he tell this new girl he would rather go someplace else (there were three other bars within walking distance, which my sister and I did not patronize), or deal with the fact that my sister and I could very well be there that night.  I also told him he was self absorbed and we were done.

I have no idea if he went there that night. I didn’t.  It wasn’t like my sister and I were there every night, just once every week or so.  He texted me later and said he was sorry, but I wasn’t interested anymore in a guy who wanted me to hide in my local hangout so he could be comfortable with some girl.  No thanks.  Bye Dave.  And I never did figure out how to tell him about the deodorant thing.  I hope the next girl is better with that kind of shit.

 

007 AGAIN

So, yeah, somewhere around here 007 popped up again.  He would contact me every few months and ask what was up.  Every now and then, I did contact him.  Mostly when I was drunk.  Each time he would say we should get together and proceed to make a bunch of comments about how I should fuck him. I’d get irritated and tell him there was no way I’d fuck him, that he needed to date me like a normal guy, and then he was gone again.  All this from a guy who still hadn’t even kissed me.  It was like a tradition.

Guy 40 – Bradley – Missionary guy

Bradley was another younger guy.  We talked through email and he seemed like a really nice guy.  I agreed to dinner with him.  He picked me up, we went to a place where he had made reservations and had a nice dinner.  This guy had his shit together.  Jason could learn a lot here.  After dinner we went out to a bar area in the restaurant and watched the end of the baseball game.  We left and he drove me home. Then he spent 3 hours talking to me about his plans for life, what he had done so far, how he could help others (he was one of those religious missionary save the world guys.  I should have known it was doomed.)  He left, I went to bed and woke up the next morning to an email from Bradley saying he thought I was a nice person, but he felt like it was just a friend thing for him.  (Am I the only one with Biz Markie playing in my head right now? Did I just totally date myself?) Whatever, fine Bradley, but did I really have to sit through 3 hours of your life plan to be your friend?  Somehow I didn’t see us having more deep missionary conversations as best buds.  Bradley was done.

You, you got what I need, but you say he’s just a friend, and you say he’s just a friend.  Sorry, I got distracted there.  But really though, Biz Markie.  It’s a classic.  Back to the story.

Guy 41 – Preston –  Doctor guy

I agreed to meet Dr. Preston at a bar – actually unemployed former Dr. Preston, which should have given me a hint there were issues there.  We seemed to get along (OK, I may have some issues too), went back to his place where he put on some awful movie, said we should have sex and asked if I wanted some Adderall as he popped a couple himself.  I passed.  No more Dr. Preston.

Guy 42 – Baker

Big guy, nothing all that memorable besides being dwarfed by him.

Guy 43 – Jake – Kid freak out guy

Jake was a younger guy.  I was depressed by the recent slew of dating failures, and I agreed to hook up with Jake.  He was cute, I knew neither one of us expected anything more than sex out of it, so why not?  In the middle of having sex, Jake decided to spank me.  What the fuck?  That’s one you establish up front.  I am not OK with anyone spanking me.  I am not some disobedient child.  We were debating starting again when Jake made a comment about my son, maybe something about a baby sitter.  I told him no, my son was 21 and didn’t need a sitter anymore.  Jake completely freaked out.  He knew how old I was, knew I had a kid, but the fact that the kid was the same age as his brother made the whole thing weird for Jake somehow.

I sat and talked to him for a bit and he mentioned he had just broken up with his girlfriend.  Oh yeah, who was married.  So banging married women is OK, but women with adult children are off limits?  Sure, bye Jake.

Guy 44 – Brad – Air force guy

Brad had recently moved to the area with the air force.  We met for lunch. He was a nice guy, but I knew I wasn’t interested.  I turned down another date with him and he got the message.

Guy 45 – Kendall – Tattoo guy

Kendall was in town for a week or so for work.  He had lots of tattoos, which surprised me for a business guy.  Hence, tattoo guy. There wasn’t anything else about him to earn a nickname.  Anyway, we met up, he spent a ridiculous amount of time telling me how much he loved his kids.  Their mom wasn’t competent to care for them, so he got full custody.  But oh yeah, Kendall traveled nonstop for work so his father was actually raising the kids.  See – older guy, baggage.  Bye Kendall.

Guy 46 – Ryan – DUI guy

Ryan was completely upfront about having lost his license due to a DUI.  He didn’t try to bullshit me about it, and seemed sincerely sorry it had happened.  He offered to take the train to meet me in my neighborhood.  I said OK, and we walked to a local bar and watched the baseball game.  Nothing special, but nothing awful either.

A few days later Ryan called and asked if I wanted to go to some trivia thing with a group of his friends.  I figured why not, I didn’t have anything better going on that night.  Only problem being, Ryan didn’t tell me the name of the place or where it was.  I tried both calling and texting, and it said my calls wouldn’t go through.  This is weird.  The guy asks me to go somewhere, but never follows up to tell me where? Then some strange girl called me and said Ryan had lost his phone, he was using another phone, and asked me to call him on that phone.  OK, last shot here buddy.  Wrong number.  Screw it, I was done.  It turns out the girl had transposed 2 numbers when telling it to me.  Genuine mistake, I get it.  But it was just a huge comedy of errors for a guy I really wasn’t all that interested in seeing again anyway. He called me a few more times, but that was it for me.

Guy 47 – Tom – High school truck guy

Tom lived close by, said we should hang out.  We met up and hung out in his truck, making out like teenagers.  Nothing more than that.  Done.  Went home, never saw or talked to him again.

Guy 48 – Tim – Took a shot guy

So there is a theme here, where guys think they are going to say something so amazing that a woman’s clothes will just fly off and they get laid.  You can tell a guy countless times that there is no way you are having sex with him, but he thinks just maybe, he can convince you otherwise.  Tim was one of those guys.  We hung out, he tried to convince me to have sex with him, I said no.  He said he took a shot, he felt like he had to try.  We went our separate ways and never met up again.

Guy 30 – Max – Cooking guy

Max was new to the area and didn’t know many people.  He was also recently divorced.  He liked cooking, I like baking.  We made a date to meet in the park and go for a walk.  Things seemed OK, so we went back to my house where he cooked dinner, and I made dessert.  Towards the end of the night, we were kissing and it just felt wrong.  I told him I felt like he was the wrong person in the right place at the right time, and I was the same for him.  We could keep going, but we’d both end up regretting it at some point.  He agreed and went home.  We talked a few times after that, but never got together again.

 

Guy 31 – Abel – Drunk girlfriend guy

Abel was an angry guy.  His girlfriend had a major drinking problem, and had cheated on him.  He thought if he did the same, he’d feel better.  It didn’t take long for him to realize things don’t work that way.  Nothing happened, never saw him again.

 

Guy 32 –Steve – Ugly text guy

I emailed back and forth with Steve for a while before meeting.  We finally agreed to meet for drinks and see how it went.  He was one of those manly men, big guy, who sold motorcycles for a living.  I swore he was hitting on the waiter, trying to get him to buy a bike.  He kept buying drinks, I told him I couldn’t drink anymore and drive home.  He said I could hang at his place for a while.  He didn’t live far from where we were, and he promised to take me back to my car.

We walked into his apartment and a five pound excuse for a dog (named Kitty) came running out.  This great big guy had a tiny little Chihuahua, and he adored that dog.  He flopped onto the sofa and we sat there watching American Pickers (I think that’s the name of the show, I wasn’t really paying attention) for two hours.  I shit you not.  I was bored out of my mind and ready to go.  That’s when Steve decided to make his move.  Next thing I knew, his dick was out of his pants and in my face, and he was insisting I really wanted to blow him.  Not happening.  Things got weird and awkward, he took me back to my car.  I emailed the next day and said the situation had been odd and uncomfortable.  Steve replied that he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t want to sleep with me.  Thanks, buddy.  Classy move.

 

Guy 33 – Philip

Nothing memorable.

 

Guy 34 – Shane –  Angry guy 2

Shane was another angry guy.  It seemed I had a knack for picking them.  His wife had cheated on him with a friend’s wife.  I couldn’t tell if he was more upset that she had cheated, or that it had been with a woman.  Two hours of discussing how much his life sucked convinced me this was a mistake.  He suggested meeting again, I took a pass.  Sorry, I can’t fix broken guys.  I’m trying really hard just to keep myself together.

 

Guy 35 – Kevin – “Different” guy

Kevin got the shitty end of the stick.  We had made plans to go out, but my sister and friend were both miserable that night, probably over guys, and wanted me to hang out with them.  I asked Kevin if we could reschedule.  He said he’d just hang out with all three of us.  Um, OK, it’s your funeral, dude.

Kevin was one of those artsy guys marching to the beat of his own drum or whatever.  You know, the ones who try just a little too hard to make sure you know they’re “different”.  They aren’t like the rest of those boring normal guys.

He showed up for dinner with two bottles of liquor (it was a byob) and proceeded to try to get my sister and friend wasted.  We didn’t quite get there during dinner, so we walked around the corner to a neighborhood bar.  It was a weekend night, the place was mobbed, and Kevin was very obviously out of place.  He kept going outside to smoke and asking me to go with him.  On one of these smoke breaks he asked why I hung out with the people in this bar when I could do better.  Told me I wasn’t like them.  (Maybe I was “different” too?)  Granted there were lots of drunk assholes in that bar, but my friends were there too.  I give Kevin full credit for trying to salvage a crappy night with three women on one date.  It turns out I wasn’t better than the people in that bar, and I never saw Kevin again.

 

Guy 36 – Calvin – Red flag guy

This was my red flag situation and one of the few times I felt threatened by a guy.

I had been talking to Calvin via email for a while.  He was just finishing up his PhD in English from some school up north – Maine, Vermont, one of those little cold states .  He liked to read, and we seemed to have a lot in common in terms of authors and books we liked.  He asked me to hang out. He said he was living in a boarding house until he figured out his work situation, and we could sit on the porch or by the pool.

Red flag #1 – I got to the boarding house and immediately realized Calvin had sent me a pic from about five years and fifty pounds earlier.  OK, he’s not the first guy to pull that shit, and we’re just going to talk about books anyway.  I can let this go.

Red flag #2 – He wanted to give me a tour of the boarding house.  It was a huge old house divided up so each resident had a bedroom, and possibly private bathroom, depending on which room was yours.  Common kitchen and living areas.  The tour ended in Calvin’s room.

Red flag #3 – Something about this guy just felt off, like he was seriously unhinged somehow.  I can’t explain it, but I trusted my instincts and knew I wanted to go. He started kissing me, and I told him that wasn’t happening and I wanted to leave.

Red flag #4 – Calvin is standing over me with his dick out, telling me I can’t leave, I just got there.  He was a pretty big guy (remember, at least 50 lbs heavier than his pic).  I moved toward the door and said again that I was leaving.  He stood between me and the door, still with his dick in hand, telling me I had to stay.  Just as I was ready to scream bloody murder and get everyone in that fucking boarding house to his room, Calvin finally moved and I ran out of the house.

So, I ignored a bunch of red flags, did something stupid, and put myself in a threatening situation.  Luckily I got out OK, and knew there was no way I’d be seeing Calvin again – unless his face was on a most wanted sign in the post office.

The next day he emailed me and said he wasn’t attracted or interested in me and didn’t want to see me again.  Yeah, I saw his disinterest in his hand the night before when he pulled it out of his pants and blocked me from leaving.  Whatever, I was out and if being the one to do the rejecting made crazy fucking Calvin feel better, so be it.  I didn’t reply and never heard from him again.

 

Guys 37 and 38 – Damian and Morgan

Nice enough guys, nothing memorable. No reason to see them again.

 

Guy 39 – Jason – Bruise guy

I met Jason in a local park.  He was a younger guy.  We hung out, kissed a little and agreed to meet again. The next time I saw him, his hands were covered in scrapes and he had obviously been in a fight.  At some point he took off the sweatshirt he had been wearing when I met him both times, and his arms were covered in bruises that looked like tracks to me.  Not that I’ve seen a lot of that, but one of my uncles did have a raging heroin addiction for a couple years.  I asked if he was a drug addict, and he told me he had some obscure disease that left him covered in bruises.  Then the story came out of the night before, when he had bumped into his ex girlfriend with her new boyfriend.  A fight ensued, Jason still loved her. I told Jason he needed to figure out his shit and left.  No more Jason.

Guy 21 – Jack – Jerk

We met at Barnes and Noble.  We talked a bit and he texted me later saying he really wasn’t attracted to me.  OK, not everyone is.  I’m not delusional.  I wrote Jack off.  Then he had the balls to email me a couple months later and ask if I wanted to hook up.  I told him no thanks, I was just as unattractive then as I had been a couple months before when he apparently wasn’t quite as horny.

 

Guy 22 – Mitch – Prostrate guy

Nothing special, no real attraction on either side.  We had dinner at the same restaurant a lot of the other guys had chosen.  The only memorable thing and absolute highlight of the night was the old couple having dinner a couple tables away.  They both clearly had hearing problems, as they were literally yelling everything to each other during dinner.  That meant we were eavesdropping on their conversation, even if we didn’t want to, which we didn’t.  Anyway, at one point the old guy yelled to his wife, I went to the doctor today.  She yelled back, what did he say?  He yelled back, he said my prostrate is huge.  This is where I lost it.  My date told me I was too busy laughing to hear her yell back, mine too.  Fun times.

 

Guy 23-  Joel

Jerk.  We met and it was one of those, yeah, I like you, let’s meet again things.  I saw him again, we had sex, I never heard from the guy again.  Jerk.

 

Guy 24 – Brian

Nothing memorable.  Nothing happened.

 

Guy 25 – Freddy – Rich guy

I met him at his father’s mansion where he was staying for the holidays.  We hung out in the movie theater, watching TV until his dad came home with his girlfriend.  He introduced me to dad, and a girl who was younger than Freddy.  This was the girlfriend.  They had gone to high school together.  I’m sure she was in it for love though.

 

Guy 26 – Braden- Submissive guy

We met, he was cute.  I kissed him and went home. Then he started emailing me about what he was into sexually.  At first it was just, could I tie him up and spank him (no, I wasn’t going to do that).  We got as far as him wanting me to do him with a strap on when I bailed.  I’m not into that, but hey, I know others are.  To each their own.  Never saw Braden again.

 

Guy 27 – Art  – More than a friend guy

I decided I needed another break from the dating thing.  I wanted a guy who would just be friends with me and explain my dating disasters from a guy’s point of view (my best male friend of 5 years had just done a disappearing act, long story, but it meant I didn’t have a good guy friend to talk to).  That’s when I met Art.  He was a really nice guy.  We hung out at a diner and talked for hours.  I thought I had a great new friend.  Then we left the diner and he tried to kiss me.  I said no, he said he had to give it a shot.  I hung out with him once more, same thing.  He tried to kiss me again.  He finally told me that he would be my friend, but he’d never stop trying to be more because he was attracted to me.  To me, that’s not a friend.  That was the end of Art.

 

Guy 28 – Marcus

Nice guy, nothing spectacular.

 

Guy 29 – Terry – sleaze guy

I met this guy Terry, and he swore I’d sleep with him.  I swore I wouldn’t.  The guy exuded sleaze.  I hadn’t even known that was possible.  Thank you, Terry, for showing me a new low in men.  He spent half an hour or so talking to me, realized I really wasn’t going to sleep with him, and he walked out.  Douche.

Repeat – 007

Yes, you read that right.  It may not have been entirely his fault that he was back.  I had gone through enough guys to wonder why none ended up being around for long.  I decided to ask past dates, mainly guys who had gone MIA or left me confused.  I got back a couple sorry, I was an asshole, it wasn’t you replies.  There were a couple oh hey, I liked you, we should get together again.  I think the bulk of them just ignored my request.  007, however, took forever to respond (said he was on vacation).   He didn’t answer my question, but we did start talking again.  Or rather, emailing and texting again.

Things will be different this time he promises.  He’ll call me if he can’t make a date, etc, etc.  We met up, I liked him.   Damnit, it would have been so much easier if he was Lee, or Andrew, or anyone.  I like the guy, even though part of me is screaming, HE’S AN ASSHOLE!  WALK AWAY!

That screaming part was right.  He texted me a few days later and said he was just looking for a fuck buddy.  I told him I wasn’t interested in the position and I’d have to pass.  This is a guy who hasn’t even kissed me, but he wants to bang me?  He falls into the aforementioned guys I actually like and will not randomly bang category.  Not happening, it would set me up to get hurt.  No thanks, bye again 007.

 

Guy 17 – Jonathan

Much younger, way out of my league.  But super hot, so I didn’t just write him off.  I didn’t contact him, but I was definitely answering if he called me.

A few weeks later…  I get a call at 3 am.  It’s Jonathan.  He’s at the casino and just finished (he gambles professionally, that’s how he supports himself).  He wanted my address so he could come over.  I pointed out he had clearly been drinking, and could not drive.  He said he’d take a taxi. Yeah, right, like a taxi is going to take you out to where I live at 3 in the morning.  He made a deal, if he could find a taxi to get to my house, I’d let him in.  I figured that was one I couldn’t lose.  Don’t make deals with professional gamblers, they know what they’re doing.  He called me back 10 minutes later to tell me he was in a taxi headed to my house and needed my address.  Again, super hot, younger guy, fuck it, why not?  I told Jonathan I’d leave the door open for him, but I was going back to bed.  I knew he had at least a 40 minute ride.

It’s almost an hour later.  Jonathan called me again.  He said, your door isn’t open.  I said, yes, it definitely is.  I unlocked it earlier.  He insisted, no, it was locked.  I told him, I think you might be at the wrong house.  Yup, Jonathan was trying to break into my neighbor’s house.  My neighbor is 6’8”.  I don’t think he would appreciate Jonathan climbing into bed with him. I, however, did appreciate it.  One more time, SUPER HOT, and I just had 007 go down in flames AGAIN.  I found the situation hysterical.  Jonathan, not so much.

He woke up frantic the next morning, talking about his puppy.  He left her alone all night.  I drove him home, came back to my home and slept some more.  No more Jonathan.

 

Guy 18 – Leo – Flower guy

This guy contacted me through the dating website.  At this point, I had had enough.  I wanted a break.  I told Leo, you seem like a nice guy, but I’m just not at a point where it would be good to date.  He convinced me to meet him for lunch.  He was a really nice guy.  He lived about 10 minutes from me.  He had a great job.  He had kids around the same age as my son.  I shouldn’t have done it, but I agreed to see him again.  People kept saying, maybe he’ll grow on you.  You know what grows on you?  Tumors and mold.  Neither one is pleasant.

He took me walking in the park with my dogs.  He took me to the zoo.  He brought flowers every time he saw me.  He called me during a storm to make sure I had power and offered to bring me over a spare flashlight.  Super nice guy.

It was in the back of my head the whole time, while everyone else thought he was growing on me, I felt like I was leading the guy on.  It came to a head when we came back to my house after a date, and he leaned in to kiss me.  I cringed.  I had to end it.  I told him I was sorry, I didn’t feel that way about him. I told him I thought he was a great guy and I’d be more than happy to hang out with him as friends.  He said, that’s not what I want, turned around, walked out and slammed my front door.  Sorry, flower guy, I really did try, I just couldn’t do it.  When you cringe away from a kiss, you know it’s a bad situation.

I was walking in Target maybe 9 months later.  I look up and see Flower guy walking down the aisle toward me, and he gets that look where you know they’ve seen you, but can’t decide what to do.  Remember, he lives right by me.  I completely panicked.  The guy had stormed out of my house and slammed the door.  I felt bad about the whole thing, but he really acted like a big baby.  Did I want to talk to the guy now?  I figured I had three choices.  #1 Keep walking and say hi to the guy.  Just act like nothing is wrong, he didn’t act like a bit of an ass the last time you saw him.  #2 Walk past the guy and pretend I didn’t recognize him.  That felt shitty, even for me.  I realized I didn’t have a third choice in my panicked brilliant plans, so I dove into a rack of women’s pants that I was suddenly very interested in buying.  He took the hint and walked past.   No more flowers…

 

Guy 19 – Gary

Brief one nighter with much younger guy.  I warned you I like the younger guys.  I never thought I’d say it, but I like being a cougar sometimes.  Anyway, one and done.

 

Guy 20 – Marvin – Crying guy

Marvin may very well be my best story.  He came over during one of those crazy storms because he had lost power and didn’t have hot water.  He seemed nice at first, but something felt off.  He almost seemed afraid of me. We talked for a while, then we started making out.  High school stuff, fully clothed, guy puts his hand in your pants kind of thing.  So, I put my hand in his pants.  Before I even touched him he yelled, OH MY GOD.  I pulled my hand back and jumped away.  I asked, what’s wrong.  He said, I came.  OK, so maybe that’s a little embarrassing, cumming in your pants in front of a girl.  I said, it’s OK, no big deal.  The next thing I know, he’s sobbing hysterically.

This is one I had never dealt with before.  I will be perfectly honest, I am not the sensitive type.  I dug way deep down and said, really, it’s OK, it happens.  Yeah, that was my sensitive side coming out.  He sobbed for a few minutes while I sat there in shock, just watching.  Then he turned to me and said, I think I’m having a panic attack.  I think I should go home.  To which I answered, yeah, I think you should go too.  He walked out, still crying, and I knew I was done with Marvin. I mean, dude, I didn’t even touch the guy.  I’m not that good.  Yet I somehow made a guy cry.  It was a really traumatic moment in life.  For me, I mean.  I’m gonna guess that wasn’t Marvin’s first or last cry related to sex.  There is something deep rooted wrong there.  I’m fucked up and dysfunctional, but even I know this is way bad.

I wrote off Crying guy as a whack job.  My friend, upon hearing the story, said she would like to get his number because she thought he was sensitive.   I told her he was fucking nuts, and she was too if she talked to him.  I refused to give her the number.  He actually emailed me a couple months later, asking if I’d like to get together.  Sure Crying guy, I want to see you just about as much as I want my eyes gouged out with rusty spoons.  I didn’t reply, never heard from him again.  Crying guy will remain one of my strangest guy experiences in life.  At least I hope nothing stranger than that ever happens to me.

Guy 12 – Kieran – Irish Guy

I admit it, I have a thing for accents.  Especially Irish and Australian.  I can’t explain it.  It’s shallow and silly, but it is what it is.  We hung out as friends.  We agreed that we would be good friends.  Then as he was leaving my house, Kieran said I should kiss him.  I told him friends don’t kiss.  He said if he could get my dog to kiss him (she was afraid of men), then I should kiss him.  The next thing I know he’s practically making out with my dog.  Traitor.  I ended up making out with the guy.  Accent, what can I say?

I saw Kieran again, and things moved to my bedroom.  Irish guys are NOT small.  That is a fallacy.  Kieran pulled a coke can sized penis out of his pants and my jaw dropped.  I had an 8 lb baby come out of that hole, it has to fit, right?  No, it doesn’t.  At least not without a lot of maneuvering and pain. My favorite part of the whole thing (besides laughing hysterically when he pulled the monster dick out of his pants and thought he’d put it in me) was when my cat jumped on the bed.  Kieran kicked her off and said, one pussy was enough.  I laughed again, which seemed to be the only thing to do when you have a guy so big he literally won’t fit.

Kieran and I agreed to get together again. After a week or so of texting back and forth, and Kieran always being too busy to meet, I realized he just wanted to bang me.  He got what he wanted, and he was done.  OK, fuck you, Kieran. On to the next guy.

This is where it gets interesting with Kieran.  About a year later, my sister was telling me about some Irish guy she met on another dating site (not the one where I met Kieran).  She started describing him, and I knew, holy shit, it’s Kieran.  She knew the Irish guy story, and agreed this was too good to pass up.  She emailed back to confirm it was Kieran, something innocuous.  He confirmed he was indeed, Kieran, the huge Irish dick.  I don’t mean he had a big dick. I mean he was a big dick.  My sister emailed back again and said he seemed like a nice guy, but she didn’t take sloppy seconds from her sister’s dog.  He emailed back, fair enough.  That was the end of Kieran.

Guy 13 – Josh -FWB

My first Friend With Benefits.  This could be good, right?  Fun while it lasted.  It was over when I found out I was one of many “friends”.  So long, Josh.

This was about when I made a decision.  I would not date the guys I slept with, or sleep with the guys I dated (unless I totally fell in love with the guy, which I knew was never gonna happen – not that I’m a pessimist or anything).  I thought this would make things easier, this clear delineation of roles.  My theory was that if I slept with a guy I dated and really liked, and things didn’t work out, I would be hurt.  It’s easier to walk away from a guy when you haven’t had sex with him.  The other guys weren’t meant to last.  They were fun while they were around, but I wasn’t really going to be upset if they suddenly weren’t there anymore.  No feelings involved, no problems.  Guys do this all the time, right?  Why not me?  I was going to start hooking up like a guy.

Guy 14 – Andrew – Old guy 2

Another age denier.  Sorry, buddy, you can’t send me a ten year old pic and expect that you will look like that when we actually meet.  I have functional eyes, even if I do wear glasses.  Just for distance.  Not bifocals or anything that would make me old.

Guy 15 – Rick – Needy Guy

Rick seemed sweet.  He was a younger guy.  He was working on his PhD and was a bit of a nerd.  But I am too, so who am I to judge?  We had a nice dinner, talked a lot, made out and the night was over.  That’s when it started.

I have to see you, you’re my only friend.  OK, Rick, I’ve met you once, I can’t possibly be your only friend.  Yes, you are and I’m horribly lonely.  I knew I was in trouble.  This was repeated almost daily, until one day he asked about my son’s Xbox Live name.  That was it.  I told him I couldn’t possibly date a guy who wanted to play video games with my kid.  It was too weird.  Rick finally gave up after another week or so of sad, I need you to be my friend texts.  OK, big mistake.

Oddly enough, one of my friends ended up hooking up with Rick a few months later.  She said he was awful and weird.  She didn’t get the endless be my only friend texts though.  Can we count that as an improvement?

Guy 16 – Lee – Boring Guy

Just boring.  Nothing else to say. BORING.