I suck at dating

I haven’t updated this in forever, and just to be upfront, Guy 132 actually happened a couple years ago. A new position at work, Covid, loneliness, apathy and disappointment all played a role in that two year break, until 007 was back again.

Guy 132 – Chris – Single Dad

I started talking to Chris online and he seemed nice. It took about a month of back and forth online before he asked me out, but he finally did. I wasn’t entirely optimistic going into it, but couldn’t really justify saying no without a good reason.

He lived over an hour away from me, so he suggested a restaurant somewhere in the middle. I should have known we were not off to a good start when he picked a chain my dad loves and I really don’t like at all, but I figured it was worth a shot.

The conversation over lunch wasn’t great. I felt like we had nothing in common and I was really struggling to come up with things to talk about with him. The fact that he had a 13 year old son and 3 cats who kept peeing around his house were instant red flags to me. And while I do think it is admirable that he is the primary caretaker for his son, that really isn’t something I want to get back into at this stage of my life. Maybe it is selfish, but I feel like I have been there and done that, and have no desire to go back and do it all again.

I really did try and I think he did too, but there just wasn’t anything there. We texted back and forth for a bit after the lunch, but I think we both knew it wasn’t right and let it peter out naturally.

007 – All my fault this time

I hadn’t heard from him in 3 years, since the last time I had told him to fuck off after the 4 months of talking in which he refused to ever ask me out. I was out to dinner with a friend from work and his birthday had come up in my calendar. The friend (who in all fairness had no idea about the backstory) said I should contact him and say happy birthday. I figured why not? I really did miss him and worst (or maybe best) case scenario, he wouldn’t answer and I would be exactly where I was before contacting him. So I emailed and just said happy birthday. 5 hours later, he answered and we were off to the races again.

He spent a good portion of the next day texting me back and forth. It was surprisingly non-confrontational and a nice conversation. Then he called me that night and shocked the hell out of me. Calling was never his thing. The next day is when things really took an unfamiliar turn. He actually apologized for being rude and disparaging over the years, saying he was in a bad place when he first met me. I accepted the apology after picking my jaw up off the floor and said I was sorry as well for the horrible things I had said over the years too.

Things did actually seem different at first. He called me a lot, like more in the span of two weeks than he had in the previous 7 years we had spoken. (We are up to 10 years of back and forth, for anyone keeping track.) It was a little over 2 months of back and forth with him still calling me occasionally. It really did feel different than all the other times. Or maybe that is just what I told myself because I wanted to believe it so badly.

It was maybe a week or so into talking before things started sliding back to our usual conversations, what color/type of bra was I wearing and I should send a picture. The thing that seemed to bother him the most and that he just couldn’t get past was my dating/sexual history. I had never lied about it to him, but had never gone into detail either. My problem with that is, while I have recorded it all here, it is a somewhat cleaned up version. None of it goes into what led me to make all those stupid, dangerous decisions and get involved with so many assholes and scumbags, knowing I never wanted to see most of them again. Up until he made an issue of it and kept browbeating me for answers on it, NO ONE knew what the story was there. I decided the only way to explain it was to tell the truth, because there was no way he was going to drop it no matter how many times I said I regretted it and didn’t want to talk about it. So I told him the truth. Now I am putting it out there for anyone to know and interpret however you want. I finally told my therapist after telling 007. Like I said, no one knew. Not a friend, not a family member, NO ONE.

I have depression. It is something I’ve been living with for close to 15 years. Most of the time, I take meds and I can handle whatever comes along. But just over 8 years ago, I completely fell apart. A whole bunch of shit hit the fan all at once and I just felt overwhelmed to the point where I couldn’t figure out how to deal with it and find a way out of the hole I felt like my life had become. I woke up every day feeling like I wanted the day to just be over so I could get back in my bed and not have to deal with anyone or anything. Unfortunately, I needed my job to pay for my house and my son’s college and he still needed me too.

My mom was bipolar and killed herself in a mental hospital almost 22 years ago. I saw how much that fucked up my family, especially my youngest siblings. I didn’t want to do that to my son. At the same time, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my shit and “dump my crazy”. I felt both ashamed and pathetic for not being able to pull myself together and just deal like a normal person. It became a vicious circle where things just kept getting worse and I felt even more like I was just drowning in sadness. Every minute of every day just felt like overwhelming misery and there was no way out. Then I discovered that when I had sex, my brain would turn off for 5-10 minutes (if I was lucky) and I felt nothing. I didn’t feel happy or even not sad. I just felt numb. And that 5-10 minutes of numbness was better than the choking overwhelming sadness I felt ALL the time. It wasn’t because I cared about the guy I was with at the time. It was just a brief respite from non-stop misery. And while I tell myself I would never ever kill myself after what it put my family through when my mom did it, I wouldn’t have minded at all if some kind of accident ended everything. An accident where my car plowed into a divider on the turnpike, or I missed a sharp turn and hit a tree, or mistakenly took too many meds to help me battle the worsening insomnia and just never woke up again. And then those thoughts made me feel like an even worse person than ever.

So I fucked strangers to feel numb. Am I proud of that stage of my life? Absolutely not. I haven’t had sex in over three years or even dated anyone in over two years now. And telling 007 all that felt like ripping off the biggest bandaid of my life, but then it was done. He swore he didn’t think less of me and was ok with it. He said it wasn’t something I should be ashamed of and it wasn’t a big deal at all. And I realized that yeah, I fucked up, but feeling ashamed wasn’t helping and I should have reached out for help from a friend, or a family member, or the therapist I was paying to help me. She knows now and asked why I never told her. I just didn’t want her, or anyone else, to think less of me. That would have made the whole thing worse in my mind. I know from the outside people closest to me had an idea something was wrong, but no one asked and I sure as hell wasn’t volunteering anything. I still did my job, killing myself at it half the time, spending 9 hours in the lab on weekends after 12-14 hour days all week, and my son was doing well at college. I honestly believe most people really didn’t want to know what was going on and then have to feel like they should do something to help.

So, too late for long story short, its already a long saga of my descent into misery and my incredibly slow climb back out of that hole. If you’ve never been depressed, you probably don’t understand how it entirely takes over your life, even as most people think you’re doing great. (For anyone who really wants to understand what it is like, the book Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh has the best description of depression I have ever read. I highly recommend it to anyone who is/has been depressed or anyone who knows someone who is as it made me feel for the first time that someone really understood how I feel.) Great successful job, kid in college, nice house, bills paid, no reason to be unhappy. Scratch the surface though and none of that matters. Because you can’t see that. You can’t see anything but how unbearably awful things are and the terrifying prospect that they will never get better, just worse and worse until hopefully that fateful accident ends things for you.

My therapist did know something was going on and it was getting worse and something needed to change (even without knowing all the gory details). She got me an emergency appointment with a shrink who started me on meds again (I had stopped taking them for a few years when things felt good and I told myself I didn’t need them anymore). The shrink has since told me that once you have two episodes of major depression, your odds of a third one are about 70%. He asked if I felt good about those odds when I asked about stopping the meds again. Basically, do I feel lucky? No, I absolutely do not. I will stay on those meds for life. I fully realize my therapist pretty much saved my life as I couldn’t have gone on much longer that way. But at the same time, if I wasn’t so ashamed, I could have asked for help months or probably even a year before things spiraled out of control. And I am not saying the meds instantly turned things around for me. It still took quite a while before I got my life back under control and stopped drowning in sadness and being self destructive. It wasn’t an easy recovery by any means.

There is such a stigma around mental illness, especially when your mom killed herself. I know that stuff is genetic. I am a scientist for god’s sake. One of my biggest fears is turning into my mom. That’s why I started seeing a therapist 15 years ago when I fell apart the first time. It is always better to reach out to someone for help though rather than drown in that misery and sadness alone until it is just too late. I would like to think I am in a pretty good place right now, at least for the most part. But clearly I must have been lonely or I never would have reached out to 007 again, right? To be fair, Covid came, and I was initially spending a lot of time on site at work because I had started in a new department. Then that department started a huge expansion project that shut down production, and I mostly worked from home for the next nine months. I hadn’t really made any friends in the new group, my old friends were all preoccupied with their kids, or their jobs, or for quite a few, their retirement. I was really alone almost all the time. Leave me alone with my thoughts, and something bad will happen. In this case, it was the decision that I missed 007 and wanted to talk to him again.

So I did. It started out nice, hit an ugly patch with him being what I felt was overly nosy about my past so I confessed and came clean, but we got past that and he finally shared stuff with me he had never told me before. It kind of felt like progress for the first time in a decade. But it did that gradual slide back into the same old shit. Why wouldn’t I fuck him? Followed almost immediately by, I don’t even want to fuck you because you would be boring and just lie there and it would be terrible and awkward. Back and forth over and over again, just like always. Then he said he knew I hated him, and he was just some sick science experiment to me. There have been countless times I intensely disliked him, but I never hated him. There was always this hope or belief or something that there really was a decent guy in there somewhere and he would eventually come out. And if we are being truthful here, I always felt like I was a game to him where winning for him was fucking me. I told him we would have both been so much better off taking up chess. I tried talking to him about him feeling like I hate him in one of his phone calls, but he cut that off almost immediately. The calls were never about anything involving feelings or emotions, aside from the one directly after I told him about the breakdown when he finally shared something too. We eventually got back to, you should be my fuckbuddy, and it wouldn’t be a random hookup because he doesn’t believe in those and he knows me anyway. He knows me??? He knows some random details of my life, and now the story behind my breakdown. He has seen me 3 times in ten years and knows more about my underwear than what I care about or what really matters to me. There is no way he fucking knows me. I feel like I don’t even know me sometimes.

Sometime around 2 months in, he started yet another conversation about how I would be terrible in bed. This wasn’t a new statement from him, so I told him again that I hadn’t offered and asked why he kept saying this over and over. He said he would never fuck me, he was just reiterating. I thanked him for reiterating over and over how unappealing I am, just in case I thought otherwise. And then he went and threw my past in my face yet again. Said it was funny how I would meet a guy on the internet and do all sorts of crazy shit, but with a normal guy I would just lie there. So I asked if he was the normal guy and he flipped his shit. Told me he was out and to never contact him again. I said I was kidding (and actually think I handled another one of his “you suck at sex and I would never fuck you” tirades pretty well given the circumstances, treating it as a joke instead of the incredibly hurtful, offensive comment it really was), but he said it wasn’t a joke and to leave him alone forever. For a guy who has no interest in fucking me, he seems incredibly angry that I fucked other guys and not him. It does hurt when he goes on these tangents about how I would be terrible in bed and he doesn’t even want to fuck me because it would be so bad, and throwing my past back in my face again after promising not to, well, that just fucking sucks.

So I guess the moral here is I am an awful person for never fucking him, even though he said he never wants to. He also told me recently he never wants to date me, and doesn’t care if I ever talk to him again. Then he claimed I was being weird about all that, not him. I have told him so many times that I really like him and can’t just randomly fuck him because I have feelings involved and I know it would destroy me. And I never wanted him to be part of that horrible mess I made of my life, as I truly believed he deserved better. He never once asked to see me in these last two months, or more of me than my bra and breasts. Yet I am an asshole for not agreeing to fuck him. I can’t win. I give up. I told him fine, I am out, but to please block me so I don’t make the mistake of contacting him ever again in the future. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. Clearly he’s really torn up over this.

I don’t know why I always let him get to me and believe he will be different. He just won’t. Not ever, not for me. I do feel incredibly sad all over again and wish he would at least have had the decency of having an actual phone conversation to discuss all this. I was told to fuck off over text. I don’t understand any of this and feel like I never will. And it makes me feel like there is absolutely no point in dating again when the one guy I really liked for 10 years just dicked me around, turned me into this sick twisted game, broke my heart, and left me with no self esteem yet again. You know what though? I still don’t hate him. I feel sorry for him that he thinks he can manipulate, bully and browbeat people into doing what he wants. It’s a sad and pathetic way to go through life. A little kindness, compassion and empathy would serve him so much better in the long run and make him a better person overall. So yeah, I’m crazy and I’ve made a LOT of mistakes, but I’m a good person and I deserve more than he was ever willing or capable of giving. It’s just unfortunate it took me 10 years to figure that out.

I assumed Corey was gone for good after I had been ghosted for several weeks. I stuck with my usual, don’t chase guys, and I wasn’t all that interested in him anyway, so I was fine with this turn of events. Then he suddenly turned up again. He texted me out of the blue and said he was interested in me, but wasn’t sure if I was into him, so he was waiting to hear from me. I told him my theory about not chasing guys, which he insisted was wrong and made him believe I wasn’t interested. To be fair, he wasn’t completely wrong, but whatever. Anyway, he suggested meeting up again, and I didn’t have anything better going on, so I agreed.

We made plans to meet the next Saturday. We texted back and forth during the week until Thursday, when he said he suddenly remembered making plans to go down the shore for the weekend with a guy friend from his gym. While part of me was relieved by this as I wasn’t really sold on dating this guy, part of me felt like the story was total bs. I more or less said, OK, no big deal. He asked if I was mad at him, and I assured him, no, I wouldn’t be losing any sleep over it. He then asked if I wanted to meet up the next weekend. Seeing as I am fluent in sarcasm and wasn’t really buying this story, I told him sure, assuming the dog didn’t eat his homework between now and then. He kept saying it wasn’t a made up story, blah, blah. blah. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. I showed the conversation to a guy friend whose comment on it was, you’re an ass. I asked, do you buy the story? He said no, he agreed the story was crap, but said I didn’t have to be bitchy about it. I asked was my reply funny, and he said, definitely, and I felt OK about the whole thing. As I said, I wasn’t really into the guy (although I felt like I should have gotten more out of him since he basically led to the demise of 007 – who I fully agree has some kind of stalker thing going on and most likely never would have gotten his shit together, but still, I was sad about it), and I didn’t buy his story. I am generally not one to let bullshit slide, so I felt like it was my thing to call him on it. I don’t regret it at all. Besides, dude won’t eat cheese. I love cheese. No more cheese haters for me. That has to be a sign of some sort. I’m paying attention to signs now.

#129 Sam – Fireman

With Corey out of the picture, I started talking to number 129, Sam. Sam was a fireman and seemed like a decent guy. He was a couple years younger than me, but looked maybe 5 years older than me. One of those prematurely grey guys, but guys get to pull that look off where women can’t. He wasn’t bad looking, was liberal in terms of politics (I had decided to add that filter to my dating account as I have issues dating republicans), and even had a college degree in Chemistry from the same university as me. We talked on the phone a few times and then agreed to meet.

I warned Sam upfront that I had bronchitis. It had been a month and I was on antibiotics, but it wasn’t getting much better. He heard me coughing on the phone and said he was OK with it and still wanted to meet. So needless to say, I coughed through our date. We got along OK, I thought, although he looked older than his pics. Not like 10 years older, but I would say he looked like he was in his late 40s, probably mostly because his hair was much more grey than it had been in his pics. We went our separate ways after drinks and he said he wanted to see me again. I had some reservations, as he hadn’t seemed overly interested, but didn’t seem standoffish either.

We texted here and there for a few days, but nothing about getting together again and I realized he was curving. He wasn’t initiating the texts, and his replies were brief and just kind of blah. I don’t chase guys, I wasn’t super into him, so I figured it was time to let it go. I hadn’t felt like anything was particularly bad though about the date, so I sent him a quick email to follow up. Something along the lines of hey, I get you’re not into me and I am totally fine with that, just wondering if it is a looks thing, personality thing or both? I said any feedback would be appreciated. I am all for any kind of improvements I can make to get myself out of the eternal dating circle of hell in which I seem to reside. No response from Sam though. So much for him being a decent guy.

My favorite part of dating Sam was the night I was meeting him my dad had suggested I do something in my house, a repair or something. I said I couldn’t as I had a date. He asked with whom, and I said a fireman. My dad said, don’t ask to see his hose. This is why I am the way I am, a hopeless smartass who can’t ever turn it off. It’s genetic, totally not my fault. Anyway, on to the next guy…

 

Number 130 – Don – Local guy

I had been talking to another guy who was actually in my neighborhood. He was funny, had a good job, we had some really good conversations over email and then text. I had some reservations about him as he had two kids, about 9 and 11, and seemed to be constantly busy with them. I get the kid thing, but I am over that, so it was kind of like going back in time to dealing with that all over again, and I wasn’t sure I was really up for it. It took him almost 2 months to find a day he was actually free to meet. I agreed and we met at a local restaurant for dinner.

We got along well at dinner. I felt like we had a similar sense of humor which was nice. I feel like that is one of my main issues with guys, they just don’t get my humor. I would say that was 007’s biggest appeal, he got me. But while I had an easy time talking to Don, I realized I wasn’t really attracted to him. I told myself that might come later and agreed to hang out with him for drinks after dinner at a bar up the street.

Drinks went OK again, no problems with the conversation, but I still wasn’t really feeling a connection. I could hear my friends in my head saying, give him a chance, maybe he will grow on you. So I said I would hang out again at the end of the night.

We went back to texting back and forth for weeks, dragging into months. Again, he was always busy with his kids, or whatever, and never was around to meet up. Yet at the same time, he told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else because he felt like he had a connection with me and wanted to keep seeing me. I went along with the texting, figuring if nothing else, maybe I could make a new friend.

Then he texted me one day saying his son, who was the older kid, was being committed to an in patient mental hospital for the second time because he had hit his mom. This scared me and made me really question whether it was a situation I wanted to be in, and quite frankly, I realized it wasn’t. A guy with kids is one thing, a guy with a violent kid is quite another thing. I let it peter out as he never made definitive plans to see me again, and I think eventually got the message I wasn’t really into him.

 

Number 131 – Jack – Dog guy

Jack was another guy who was fairly local, so seemed like it was worth a shot to meet up. We talked on email and text and seemed to get along pretty well, and he said he really liked dogs. I know they say the way to a guy is through his stomach, and I think I have gotten close to a few with my baking, so I buy that theory. The way to me though, is through my dogs. Anyone who is good to my dogs is good in my book.

We met for dinner and it went OK. He was 5 years older than me, but looked pretty good for his age. He had 2 adult daughters who were living on their own, so that worked out well for me. I wouldn’t say I fell head over heels, but there wasn’t anything super objectionable about the guy, so I agreed to meet again.

We agreed to meet a second time, but he works nights and I work days, so weekends were our only option. He wanted to meet the next weekend, but my sister was coming to visit so I said the only way to see me would be to have dinner with my sister and me. He said sure, and I figured it was his funeral.

Dinner with my sister went pretty well. I was realizing he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was very nice. He didn’t drink at all, which was a nice change after dating two guys who drank like fish. Of course, he didn’t drink at all because he used to have a drinking problem, and said he drank a fifth of whiskey on his way to the bus stop all through high school. So, he clearly had previous issues with alcohol.

After dinner (we met a restaurant in the mall), my sister wanted to stop at a store in the mall where clothes were super cheap to pick up some bras for her friend. I asked if Jack wanted to come with us, and he said sure. I couldn’t decide if that was weird or nice that he wanted to tag along, so we all went bra shopping for my sister’s friend. Of course, my sister and I were picking out the comfortable sensible bras, and Jack was selecting bras that looked like bondage items. I don’t think we bought any he selected. Oddly enough, my sister, who hates almost every guy I date, said she thought Jack was nice and I should keep him around. This shocked me into agreeing to see him again.

Date #3 was a play in which my neighbor’s kid was playing one of the lead roles. I told Jack I had agreed to go and he said he would like to go with me. I thought that was nice, or delusional, but tried to lean more toward nice. We went, the play wasn’t awful for a kids play. I ended up bumping into an old friend I hadn’t seen for years whose son was also in the play and talked to her for quite a while. I felt a little guilty that Jack was kind of standing around waiting, but I apologized and he said he was OK. He suggested meeting for dinner in a few hours and I agreed. Then he texted me like an hour later, saying he had money problems and really couldn’t afford to go out for dinner. I said we could just hang out at my house (he lived with a roommate, a female friend from high school). He came over and made dinner and played with my dogs.

We went out again, to a concert to which I had gotten tickets months before. He yelled at me for giving money to a homeless guy outside the venue, said the guy probably wasn’t homeless and might make as much as me with his panhandling. For some reason, the guy reminded me of my kid. It was a cold night and all I could think was I hope someone would help my kid out if he needed it. It bothered me that he was giving me shit for giving away my money. It wasn’t his, who was he to tell me what to do with my money? I let it go and we went back to my house, where we hung out and he played with my dogs again. My dogs loved Jack.

He took a half day at work one night and came over to hang out. That mostly involved him playing with my dogs while I cleaned, and then watching tv for a couple hours. He suggested dinner that weekend and I said OK. Saturday came around and he texted me at 4 asking if I was ready for dinner. I said I had just had lunch not long before and wasn’t really hungry yet, that I had assumed we would be having dinner later. He said he was starving and suggested he come over with a stromboli. I told him again that I wasn’t hungry, but suggested he should go eat if he was, and we would get together later. Then I didn’t hear from him again that night. He said the next day that he went to eat, went to the gym, went home and passed out. I felt this was flaky, but still agreed to see him again. He offered to take me to get a Christmas tree the next weekend.

I knew he had a family Christmas party on Saturday so we would be going on Sunday. I texted him twice Sunday morning and he didn’t reply. At 1 I decided to go out and run some errands, including getting my glasses fixed and do some Christmas shopping. He finally texted me at 130 and said he had just gotten up, lol. I wasn’t loling. I didn’t hear anything else from him until 230, when he said he was ready and was heading over to my house. I told him I wasn’t there, and wasn’t planning to be anytime soon. I wasn’t sure what his plan had been for getting a tree, but finding one in the dark on a Sunday night when everything closes early certainly wasn’t my plan.

That was basically the last I heard from him. He texted a couple times, but I felt like I was supposed to live on his schedule, which just didn’t work for me. I had also been the one to finance all the dates since dinner with my sister, so I was feeling like I would be the one to finance the entire relationship, since he said he had money issues. On top of that, we really didn’t have much in common, and he just wasn’t all that interesting to me. I also discovered somewhere in there that he had bad teeth, and he had all of his removed. He had a set of top dentures, but didn’t have bottom ones yet. Maybe I am shallow, but I feel like I at least deserve a guy with teeth. Is that really asking so much? I can’t say I miss Jack, but I am pretty sure my dogs do.. Sorry, doggies, I can’t date a guy just to make you happy…

So, I am still single. Haven’t dated anyone in almost a month and can’t say I have any good prospects on the horizon. It’s looking like I will be single for a while yet, and I think I am OK with that for now. I have been feeling kinda down with the holidays and some issues at work, as well as dealing with health issues with my dogs. I feel like that’s enough to keep me busy right now. It is a new year after all, so I want to spend some time getting myself together before I inflict my issues on someone else. And, I know it’s been 5 months since I told 007 to fuck off, but I still miss him. Clearly that’s my issue, and something I need to get out my system once and for all. I realize that every guy I date gets held up to him in terms of how he got me when the others just don’t, but he also treats me like shit and makes me feel like I am absolutely worthless. None of that is good, nor is his stalking/hacking/whatever it is he does to keep tabs on me. My sister gave me an amazon show for Christmas and my first thought was, can 007 hack this and spy on me? I’ve gotten paranoid and sound like one of those crazies with the tin foil hats. (It’s in my kitchen as my sister thought I would use it for recipes and I figure he can’t see much there, but then I start thinking about the pet cam in my living room… maybe I should give the tin foil hat a try…) I am not giving up on dating, but a hiatus wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing right now.

007 – Hopefully the final time

So I gave it four months.  No one can say I didn’t try.  I waited and waited and waited, and nothing.  As always.  Why did I think it would be different?

He seemed somewhat different at first.  Less obsessed with the sex thing, which was nice.  I should have known that wouldn’t last.  It never got quite as bad as usual, but it definitely crept back in.  He seemed nicer and just more interested in me as a person, not someone to fuck.  I let it go to my head.  I was stupid.

For two months I didn’t talk to any guys but him.  I ignored everyone on my online dating membership who contacted me, because I really wanted to give things a shot with him and I wanted to believe he would come though and actually date me.  But as time went on, I realized I was back in the same position I always was, with a guy who wanted to dirty text me and was never going to actually see me.  So I started answering the guys online just to see what was out there and keep my options open.  If he had done anything to make a move to actually see me, I would have cut them all off in a heartbeat.  But nothing, as usual.  Just the texts.  He kept saying he had had knee surgery and was recovering.  For FOUR months.  I was waiting for a date, not a marathon.  So yeah, it got old.  Fast.  But I hung in there. Until I didn’t.

Eventually one guy was inoffensive enough and seemingly normal enough that I didn’t see a reason to not meet the guy.  It was one dinner and nothing ended up coming out of it beyond that dinner.  I had told 007 repeatedly that I wouldn’t wait around for him forever, and he would have to see me eventually or I would end up giving up on him.  It took four months before I finally agreed to see someone else for that one dinner. I didn’t tell 007 about it.  For one thing, I didn’t think it was any of his business.  If he cared and wanted to see me, he would.  He clearly didn’t.  For another, it wasn’t going anywhere.  The guy said he wanted to see me again, but went MIA by the next day, and I don’t chase guys.  Except 007 who gets millions of chances.  Or did until now.

About a week after the date in question 007 texted me something about me not being interested in sex with him.  I said it was more of him not being interested in dating me first.  He said, well maybe if you didn’t have the side joints going.  First of all, I had one date.  How is that “side joints” going?  Secondly, I never told him about it.  So how did he know?  What kind of crazy stalker shit was he pulling to know what I was doing and not telling him my every move?  Thirdly, who the hell is he to pass judgement on me when he is perfectly content to keep me sitting around for months waiting for him, like I have nothing better to do with my life?  I’m supposed to remain eternally fucking faithful to a guy who hasn’t bothered to even see me in at least 3 years? This was fucked up and pissed me off on so many levels.

I immediately texted him back and told him he could go fuck himself and be self-righteous with someone else.  Then I reinstalled the block on my phone and went into my email and fired off a furious email telling him that I put the block back on my phone, reset the email filter to automatically delete his emails and to not bother turning back up in six months because there was no point.  I didn’t believe he ever had any intention of dating me, and he could go ahead and call me a slut if he wanted.  A nun wouldn’t be chaste enough to please him. I told him I may be crazy, but he needed help more than me.

What is wrong with me?  Why is this the guy I like and want?  There are so many better guys out there, and I keep coming back to this asshole.  What the fuck?  And the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me that he knew shit I hadn’t told him.  Because it wasn’t the first time he pulled that shit.  He had made comments before about me having sex one specific night when I was out with the guy I was dating for several months. I hadn’t told him I was out with the guy. How did he know? There were other comments I had ignored at the time that all added up to something not right. I checked in with a friend who does IT security for a pharma company and asked how easy it would be for someone to hack my phone and/or email.  He said it would depend on how good my passwords were, specifically on my phone and icloud.  I told him, admittedly somewhat ashamed, there was no password on my phone, my icloud password was my son’s name, and my email, bank account and dating password were all the same, again variations on my son’s name.  I think if he could have strangled me through the phone, he would have.  He said hacking me would be a breeze.  So, I was fucked.  He helped me set up all kinds of passwords and shit I never used before in my life.  I fucking hate it.  Almost as much as I hate the idea of 007 hacking into my life and stalking me.  So lesser of two evils.  That was my Saturday afternoon.

I tried to let it end there. Truly I did. Write him off and just move on. But I was pissed. He was making this latest disaster my fault, like I was some raging slut and he was the poor wronged innocent guy. That’s not the way the story really went, but I knew that’s how it would go in his head. I just wasn’t ok with that.

So, I sent one final email. I told him the issue all these years wasn’t his job, or his knee, or me being the whore of Babylon (which I’m not, btw). The issue was always him. He would never change no matter how long I waited. I told him I gave it four months before I agreed to dinner with one guy, because I was tired of being his dog on a rope, having a bone thrown at me now and then, but never being let off that fucking rope. Because you know what? I’m not a dog, and he doesn’t own me. Fuck his knee excuse. If he wanted to see me, he would have. He didn’t want to. I told him please leave me the fuck alone and see a damn therapist already. And now that it’s all off my chest, I feel better. I’m not happy. I wish he was someone he’s not. But he’ll never be that person no matter how many years I wait or how many chances I give him. I’m just a game to him, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s game over. I just sincerely hope he has the decency to really stay away and leave me alone for good this time.

#128 Corey – Side Joint Guy

After four months of being strung along by 007 with no end in sight, I figured dinner with someone else wasn’t a bad idea anymore. I didn’t expect to fall in love with the guy, but felt like I needed to get out, even if it was just to get my head out of my own ass, which is where it felt like it had been residing for the last 4 months.

Corey suggested meeting at a Mexican restaurant across the street from my work as he lived in that area. I agreed. He worked in the same field as me, so we had some things in common.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. Not bad looking, not amazingly hot, and he kept the conversation going through drinks and dinner. Red flag #1 was when he told me he didn’t like cheese. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like cheese. I think it’s highly unnatural. I asked what was his objection to cheese and suggested that a Mexican restaurant was a rather cheesy selection for a guy who doesn’t like cheese. He said he didn’t like the hormones in milk and cheese and thus avoided them. I asked if this went for meat too, and he said, no, he was fine with that. I let it go for the moment. He pulled the cheese off his tacos when they came out and proceeded to eat the meat which I’m sure was perfectly hormone, antibiotic, and whatever free.

Red flag #2 – he told me he liked to eat organic food. I said I really didn’t think it was worth the added cost and he disagreed saying, you’re well paid, you can afford to eat organic. Can I afford it? Since my son moved out and my grocery bill has dropped dramatically, yeah, I probably can, but still, I don’t think it’s worth it and there are other things I’d rather spend my disposable income on, like books or the new hvac system I had to install last week when mine (which I fully agree was quite possibly antique) kicked the bucket. I’d rather have heat than organic food, but that’s just me. I didn’t like this guy I just met planning my grocery budget for me. That irked me for some reason.

Red flag # 3 – the waitress brought a dessert menu and I said I wasn’t interested. He looked it over and said, oh, they have flan. I love flan. I said, um, you know that’s made with milk, right? He said, no, it’s not. I said, yes it is. I’ve made it. It’s a custard made with milk. He was like oh, really? Yes, really, buddy. Give me a fucking break. So no milk or cheese, unless it’s in flan because he really loves flan. Whatever.

Red flag # 4 – we finished dinner and he walked me to my car. Nice gesture, even if it was parked 20 feet from the front of the restaurant. He made a comment about how I must be paid well to be driving a Mini Cooper (it’s not new, I’ve had it 3 years). I said it wasn’t a super expensive car, but yes, I felt I was paid well in my position. I think I’m fairly successful, career wise. He made me feel very awkward about it. Then I asked what he drove, and he pointed to the Mercedes two cars over. So my mini was ostentatious. His Mercedes though, not so much?

Anyway, he said he wanted to see me again and asked if I wanted to get together on the upcoming weekend. I explained I would be out of town that weekend visiting my sister, but said he should text me and we could plan something for after that. He texted me later that night saying he had a good time and wanted to make sure I got home ok. I texted back that I had and thanked him again for dinner, and never heard from him again. Whatever.

I took a break from dating for a while, and came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be the crazy dog lady who dies and no one knows and they don’t find her body until her dogs have already eaten half her face because she wasn’t alive to feed them anymore. I’m not being morbid. I have heard multiple stories of this happening, and I know someone told me they go for the face first for some odd reason. Not that I would feel better knowing they were gnawing on a different part of my dead body necessarily. I would prefer this horrible scenario didn’t occur at all. So, back to dating.

 

Guy 123 – Kevin – Bar K guy

I met Kevin online and we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks. He seemed like a nice guy, new to the area, my age, similar political beliefs. We decided to meet.

He asked me to pick a local bar, as he didn’t know the area well, but worked not far from where I live. I suggested one and he agreed. I was running a bit late that night, as per usual, and let him know I would be about 15-20 minutes late as I was taking a quick shower after walking my dogs before meeting him. He said, sure, no problem.

I took my shower, got dressed, put on makeup and walked over to the bar. It was a nice night and it’s only about 5 blocks from my house. I got there and Kevin was sitting at the bar with an empty seat next to him. I said hi and sat down. And caught the most horrific whiff of body odor. I thought, is that me? But no, I had just showered. It was Kevin. Basic hygiene, man. Don’t show up to a date smelling like a dirty sneaker. I decided, OK, there are worse things. I can deal with this. I would assume he wouldn’t do this again. I spent the night sitting as far away from him as possible on a small barstool.

He wasn’t a bad guy. I wouldn’t say we had a scintillating conversation, but it wasn’t awful. I think I made him nervous for some reason, which made things awkward. I had my usual one drink and switched to water. Kevin had many beers.

I said I thought it was time to go. Kevin knew I had walked over and said he would walk me home. I said that wasn’t necessary, I was OK to go by myself. He said it was no problem, he was going to call an Uber to go back to his place anyway and could do that from my house. I felt like there was no way I was winning this argument so finally agreed.

We started walking and it didn’t take me long to realize Kevin was really drunk. He was stumbling over curbs as he walked, and I was afraid he was going to wipe out a couple times. He was a nice guy, but he was a much bigger guy than me, and if he went down, I wasn’t going to dive and save him. Maybe if we could take the body odor out of the equation, but it was a solid factor in there, so if Kevin ate shit, he was going down alone.

We were about a block from my house when Kevin asked, what’s the Bar K? I looked at him completely befuddled and asked, Bar K? Then I looked where he was pointing, to the one story high sign saying BAKERY and told Kevin, that would be a bakery. He said, oh, yeah, I see that now.

We got to my house without any major events and he called the Uber. Thank god this guy wasn’t driving. I sat on my steps with him waiting. He said he had a nice time and asked if we could get together again. I hadn’t had a great time, but I hadn’t had an awful time. I said sure, but it would have to wait a couple weeks as I was going to my sister’s the next weekend. The uber came, and I never heard from Kevin again. Maybe he was embarrassed that he got that drunk. Maybe he wasn’t interested. Maybe I suck as a date. Whatever. I wasn’t smitten, and I have learned to follow the one piece of advice a guy gave me that I think is right, never chase a guy. If he is interested, he will come to you. It works.

 

Guy 124 – Alton – Functional alcoholic

I met Alton online and he seemed like a decent guy. Good job, cute, intelligent, nice guy. There had to be a catch, right? Of course there was, I just didn’t see it right away. We talked for a few days and then he suggested meeting. I figured why not, get it out of the way and if he wasn’t any good, move on to the next one. Less time wasted.

He lived a state away, so we each had a hefty commute to the other’s area. We agreed to meet in the middle (although slightly more toward his side) at a restaurant for drinks, appetizers, whatever. I, of course, was about 20 minutes late or so. I blame this on the fact that I let him choose a place closer to his area. And the fact that I am chronically late for everything and I have absolutely no idea how to fix this. Anyway, I texted him when I got there and he came out to meet me so I wouldn’t have to find him in the crowded restaurant. I thought this was a nice gesture. He looked like his picture, was definitely cute, someone I would consider dating. We went in and sat at the bar and I ordered a drink. He already had one as he had gotten there before me.

We started talking and seemed to get along really well. It was one of those first dates where you feel like you’ve already known the person for a while and things are actually fairly comfortable. After we had been talking for maybe 45 minutes, Alton said, do you mind if I go outside for a minute? I said, no, it was OK with me. He said, oh, yeah, I should tell you that I lied and I’m a smoker. I didn’t think anyone would date me if I told the truth and said I smoked. I briefly considered being bitchy about it, as I loathe lying more than anything, but I hadn’t even looked at smoking on his profile when I wrote to him, so I didn’t feel like it was something I could hold against him. The only thing I could recall from his profile, and the only reason I apparently wrote, hey, what’s up? (my standard pick up line), was that he had listed a book I recently read under his recent reads and I felt like it was a somewhat uncommon book and a karmic sign to say hi.

Alton came back from his smoke and we continued talking, still getting along well. I switched to water after my one drink as I had a fairly long drive home and am not great at tolerating alcohol since I don’t drink much. Alton probably had at least two or three more beers while we sat at the bar. We decided it was time to head out and he said he would walk me to my car as I had parked a couple blocks away. I thought this was another nice gesture on his part, so said, sure, that sounds good. As we left the bar he said, oh yeah, another thing I lied about, I’m 5’8”, not 5’10” like I wrote in my profile. I thought more women would be attracted to me if I said I was taller. Height was another one I couldn’t remember checking in his profile, and I am only 5’0”, so it’s not like I was towering over the guy. I decided to let it go, rather than take stock of the fact that the guy was already repeatedly lying to me on our first date.

We walked to my car and he kissed me. It was kinda nice, not really my kinda kissing, but it had been awhile so it was nice to feel wanted. He suggested we meet again, and I figured, why not? He said he would text me, so I decided to wait and see if he followed through. He did and we went out again.

Our second date went well. We went to a local arboretum with a large Christmas display. He had a beer there, and suggested we go to a bar close by afterwards to talk some more. He had three more beers at the bar, while I had iced tea. A couple different bartenders served us while we were there, and the first guy was the one to tally up the tab at the end of the night. Alton handed the guy $30 and the guy said, it can’t be more than $20, you only had one beer. Alton didn’t say anything to the bartender, but leaned over and whispered to me, actually I had 3. I was considering how I wanted to deal with this latest lie when the bartender came back and realized the other bartender had served him two more and charged him for 3 beers. He walked me to my car after and kissed me again, and suggested a third date. Should I have said no? Yeah, I totally should have. But after being single for a fairly long amount of time, I was blind to the big red flags.

We ended up dating and seeing each other every weekend. He worked somewhere else during the week, and had his younger son one weekend night, so we usually spent one weekend night together. His older son lived at college. It was probably around our fourth or fifth date that I started suspecting that he had a drinking problem. This felt way too familiar after Jeff, and I was getting the impression Alton’s problem was a lot more serious than Jeff’s had been.

He got me a ticket to a concert as a Christmas gift. I thought it was a fairly cool gift, although I wasn’t completely sold on the idea that he knew I liked the band. I realized later that it was a band he liked, I was just along for the ride. He told me before we went that the right way to see a concert was completely drunk. He wanted to drive down early and get totally wasted in the parking lot. Keep in mind, I am 43 and he is 46. We aren’t stupid kids. I said, I really don’t think that’s a good idea. Someone has to stay sober to do the driving. He said, oh, you sober up during the show. I knew there was no way Alton would sober up and not drink during the show, and there was no way I would be able to sober up in a couple hours if I seriously drank enough to get drunk. I told him I would not be drinking, and he was really pissed at me. Like sulking pissed. I didn’t care beyond being annoyed that he was acting like a child, and I knew I wasn’t budging on this one. So I drove to the concert with Alton drinking Jack Daniels all the way there so he was completely trashed before we even walked in the door.

We walked in to the opening act already on the stage. The guy was awful and I was distracted anyway by Alton pretty much acting like an asshole. He was talking nonstop (which I have been told I do when I am drunk) and kept leaning over to ruffle my hair like a little kid. I have fairly long hair which just becomes one big tangle when someone does that, and I didn’t find this amusing at all. After about 15 minutes of this, Alton asked, am I being annoying?

I think I have already explained that I hate lying and brutal honesty is usually my thing. I gave it about two seconds of thought before I said, yes, you are being annoying. He looked like I had punched him in the stomach. He really thought I was just going to let it go and suck up his obnoxious behavior all night. Sorry, buddy, wrong date. I’m not that person. He started in with, I’m just having fun, you don’t know how to relax and enjoy yourself, on and on and on. I told him, it’s not about having fun when you have to be drunk all the time to be happy and have fun. There is a problem there. He replied, I like to drink, everyone else loves me when I’m drunk. You’re the only one who likes me sober. I told him, I don’t think you like yourself sober and need to figure out why, and I don’t think this is the time or place for this discussion. By this point the opening act had finished, and everyone in our section had gone completely silent to listen to our argument. Alton refused to let it go. I told him at least six or seven more times that I didn’t want to discuss it there and then, it wasn’t appropriate, but he just wouldn’t drop it. At least not until he realized the headliners would be coming on soon and he needed to go smoke and get a beer before they started. I was actually relieved he left for his vices at that point.

He didn’t bring it up during the rest of the show, and calmed down a bit. He at least talked less during the headlining band and stopped messing with my hair. I had a feeling we weren’t finished with the conversation, but really didn’t want to continue it until he was sober, which only happened when we first got together, as every time I saw him, we had to go somewhere that he could drink and he was pretty buzzed, if not completely drunk, by the end of the night.

We got back to my house and the drinking discussion came up. I told him I wasn’t trying to be a bitch, I was concerned about the amount he drank, that it was to the point where I was fairly sure there had to be health effects, and that he had a problem. He told me, I’m not an alcoholic. I have a good job, I support my family. Alcoholics are the guys searching the house for rubbing alcohol to drink. I assured him that was not the definition of an alcoholic and asked if he had discussed his drinking with a medical professional. He said he didn’t need to as he felt fine and when his doctor asked about his drinking (I think the doctor suspected a problem), Alton would downplay how much he actually drank. I asked when was the last time he was sober, and he told me, two years ago when I had the flu. Internally, I screamed, what the fuck??? To Alton, I replied, yeah, I think that’s a problem. He assured me that if he was an alcoholic, he was a functional alcoholic. In addition, he hadn’t known me that long, and there was no way he was going to change and stop drinking for me. I knew then I had to get out of this one.

Unfortunately, getting out of relationships once I am in them is my kryptonite. Alton would text me every night during the week while he was away for work, telling me how much he missed me, that he loved me, on and on and on. What I realized after the fact was, he was texting me when he got to the bar and I was his company until he felt drunk enough to go back to his hotel room. When we went on dates, I started counting his drinks and made sure I was always the one driving. I usually drove anyway because his car was disgusting. His apartment was clean and neat, with a refrigerator fully stocked with nothing but beer, but his car was so dirty I hated sitting in it. Pizza boxes, coffee cups, receipts on the floor. It was like a 16 year old kid was driving it. Another red flag I ignored. Also, when I drove, he wouldn’t let me listen to the music I liked, telling me it was “vagina” music. What the hell?

Things went on this way for another month or so while I tried to figure out how to escape my latest mess. I think the worst was the night I was at his place and he insisted we go to the bar, even though I had a bad outbreak of stress hives and told him I needed to get Benadryl because I had already scratched my shoulder until it was bleeding. I did not feel like going out at all. Alton didn’t care. Said we should just go out for a little bit, it would make me feel better.

I drove to the bar, stopping for Benadryl on the way. We got the bar, and they didn’t even have iced tea, so I was stuck with water for the night. Alton had a margarita and three beers before he decided it was OK for us to head back to his place.

By this point, I was sleepy from the Benadryl. We got back to his place and Alton immediately opened up another beer. He had been drinking one when I got to his place, had four drinks at the bar, and now was on at least number 6, probably more because I doubt the one I saw him with when I arrived was his first. I sat on the sofa and watched him go through two more beers, as he got more and more condescending, telling me the way I worked was all wrong. That I was working long hours and killing myself and no one would ever respect me for it. They would respect me if I delegated my work to someone else. This was drink #9 (that I saw) by now, and I had had enough. I am good at my job, he was being a condescending prick, I felt crummy and sleepy, all I wanted was to go to bed. I flipped my shit and told him, don’t you ever dare to presume you know anything about the way I work. I am extremely good at my job, highly respected, and well paid (I made more than him and he knew it). He said that wasn’t what he was doing, he was trying to be helpful, blah, blah, blah. I told him I was tired and I was going to bed. What I really wanted to do was go home, but it was over an hour drive and I couldn’t keep my eyes open thanks to the Benadryl. He replied, well, I’m going to stay up and have another drink, even though I know you don’t think I should. I just walked away and went to bed. Fucking asshole.

I can’t even say the sex was good, which I could at least say with Jeff. We never had sex at night, most likely because Alton couldn’t get it up then thanks to being so wasted every night. We only had sex in the morning when he woke up hard, or if I saw him in the afternoon and we had sex before we went out. He was another guy who didn’t get my humor, naturally. Sex was never something simple, he was hard, then he wasn’t, he was hard again, so when we were at his place and things weren’t going great he said, I know what we need and walked into the bathroom. I assumed he would come back with lube. He came back and handed me a tube of Aquaphor. I looked at it for a couple seconds and then started laughing uncontrollably. It took about five minutes before I could stop laughing long enough to say, if the sex thing doesn’t work out, maybe we can work on our chapped lips. He didn’t find it amusing at all, and sex wasn’t happening after that. This was another red flag I missed – he was really cheap. Too cheap to even buy some fucking lube. Come on, dude. Seriously???

I was increasingly miserable with him and still trying to figure out how to end it. I came to the conclusion I needed to do what I had done with Jeff, have him end it with me. I started being very distant with him, not talking much when we were together, and not telling him much about what was going on in my life, aside from maybe the really bad stuff. It took about three weeks before asshole texted me (yes, fucking texted to break up with me – if I had thought texting was an acceptable way to end a four month relationship, I could have broken up with him) and said, I think we should take a break. While I jumped up and down for joy, I texted back, OK. I think he had expected an argument as he then tried to justify it with, you’ve been really stressed lately, you have a lot going on, etc. I said, sure, no problem. I just wanted out. He said, I have your book and you have my coffee mug. I said, I don’t think they are irreplaceable items that either one of us can’t live without. I was done.

He texted me a few times after that, asking how I was doing, generic stuff. I think he regretted breaking up with me to some extent. I put up with a lot of bullshit from him. I don’t do repeats though, except of course, 007.

 

Guy 125 – Brian – Running Man

I met Brian once for dinner. He was a really nice guy, very into running marathons, so not my thing. We got along well, but I can’t really say I was attracted. We texted back and forth a few times after with vague suggestions of meeting again, but nothing came of it. I think it was a fairly mutual lack of interest there.

 

Guy 126 – Francis – Local Dad

Francis lived not far from me, so it seemed like a good idea to meet up and see if we hit it off. He was a nice guy, not bad looking, and we got along well over dinner. I knew he wasn’t the love of my life, but he was a decent guy and I thought it would be OK to see him again and see what happened.

We texted back and forth for the next few days until Friday night. He asked what I was doing and if I wanted to come over his house and hang out. I asked if that was really appropriate for a second date. He said it wasn’t if I didn’t think it was, which made me feel like a prude, so I said OK, I would come over.

I got to his house and he gave me a tour, pointing out how much everything cost. I felt like saying, I get it, you bought expensive shit. Yay on you! We finally sat in his living room and watched the baseball game. This was fine with me, I am a big baseball fan.

The game ended and we talked for a while and then started making out. He asked if I wanted to go to his bedroom and “fool around” and I declined. I decided it was time to go home. He said he would text me about getting together again. Bullshit. I said no to sex, which was apparently saying no to a third date. Probably better to know now that he’s a douche. No more Francis.

 

Guy 127 – Marcelo – Bi guy

I met Marcelo online and we did the usual texting back and forth. He was amusing, his picture was cute, I figured why not give it a shot? He told me during our initial text conversations that he had done some “naughty things” with men in the past and asked if I had a problem with that. I figured, who am I to judge? I’m no saint. I had a kid at 19, some people would hold that against me. Why should I care if he was bi? I said no, I was OK with it, and he seemed happy with that. We agreed to meet for a drink.

He picked me up at my house because I was having car problems. I can’t say he really looked that much like his pictures, which kind of irritated me upfront. He wasn’t unattractive, just not nearly as good looking as he had been in his pictures online. He said he had a hard time finding my house because there were no numbers on it. I assured him there were, and he insisted there were not. I took him back out to the porch to show him the address numbers clearly displayed on the pillar, under a light. He finally agreed, OK, there were numbers.

We went to a local restaurant for a drink, but the place was packed as it was Friday night. He suggested another place, which I knew to be popular with a much older crowd. Figuring we could at least get a seat there, I agreed. We were pretty much the youngest people in the place.

Things seemed OK at first, the usual what do you do kind of conversation. Then he started quizzing me like I was on Jeopardy. Do red blood cells have DNA in them? I have a biology degree. But I got it over 20 years ago, and it’s not really related to what I do now for a living. I have no fucking clue if red blood cells have DNA in them. I said yes and got a lecture on why they don’t. Whatever. I get it, you’re smarter than me, congratulations, dude. I’ve dealt with guys like you before. It wasn’t quite at the insufferable level, but I could see how it could get there.

We got in his car to go back to my house and he asked, if you could be a ghost, a vampire or a werewolf, which would you choose? I thought for a few seconds and answered, a ghost. He immediately replied, well that’s the wrong answer. I was like, wait, there’s a right fucking answer to this question? He said the right answer was werewolf because they are human at least part of the time. I said no way would I want to be a werewolf because I would be shaving constantly and I hate shaving. And I couldn’t do the vampire thing because drinking blood would skeeve me out. He said choosing ghost meant I was an introvert. I said, so fucking what? I am an introvert. What’s wrong with that?

Then he asked, if you could choose between teleportation, flying or being invisible, which would you choose? I said I would go with being invisible. Wrong fucking answer again. The right answer was teleportation because it was basically flying and being invisible together. I said, no, because you aren’t in the room anymore. I want to be invisible, and be in the room, and hear what people say about me. He said, choosing invisible means you’re an introvert. I said, yeah, and? I think we’ve already established that with the ghost thing.

You would think that would be the end of the questions, but he also asked, what’s your favorite lunchmeat? I answered, cheese. This greatly irritated him. Cheese isn’t lunchmeat, he said. I replied, I know that, but I’m really not a big lunchmeat fan. If I eat a sandwich, it’s most likely going to be cheese. He said, OK, but I asked your favorite lunchmeat. I could see him getting more annoyed. I said, yeah, I’m sticking with cheese. I guess he doesn’t like cheese?

We got back to my house and kissed a bit and he started asking about sex. I told him no, I was not into anal, and oral really wasn’t my thing. He said, I’ve probably had more dicks in my mouth than you have, and I replied, that’s probably true. He wanted me to have sex with him and I went back to my, if I have sex with you now, it’s a random fuck, or you can see me again and actually date me. He said he wanted to date me and would text me about getting together again. Bullshit. I declined sex, he declined a second date. I am detecting a pattern here. I am annoyed that this is how dating apparently works now, but at the same time, I really didn’t want to spend another night with fucking know it all jeopardy question guy. I can deal with the bi thing. What I can’t deal with is the arrogant smug I’m-smarter-than-you attitude that he wore like a second skin. Not my thing at all. Be a dick, I can deal with that. Look at 007. Dude can be a total prick. I still like him. Smug know it all though, not happening.

I have to confess, I told some friends at work about the questions, and they loved them. The questions made rounds at my work and everyone was analyzing each other. They asked were there more questions? Did they come from a book? Were they on a website or something? They agreed he was an asshole, but I think they were disappointed I didn’t have more questions for them.

 

And 007, Back AGAIN

I know I swore I was done with him, but it had been 9 months since I last heard from him. Nine long months in which my dating life was incredibly sad and depressing (along with issues with my job, my son, newly graduated from college, and my always dysfunctional family). So when 007 turned up again, I let the email languish in my trash folder for a few days while I debated what to do. I honestly had set a filter that sent his emails to the trash folder. Part of me always expected to come across one there someday though. It had been in the trash for a few days before I found it, so by the time I broke down and answered it (come on, you knew I was going to), it was about a week old. I’d like to say I debated with myself much harder than I did over answering it, but I can’t lie. I knew I would answer it. It was just a question of when and how. Would I be nice, would I be bitchy, would I just be vague? What to do, what to do???

I wasn’t expecting some amazing turnaround. I mean, yeah, it would be nice if he had one, but it’s not something I think he will ever do. That’s my main reason for not doing repeats. People break up for a reason, usually because of something they can’t stand anymore in the other person. Like he’s a dick. Or she’s a bitch. I know that’s simplifying it, but you get the idea.

Everyone has their standards and the point where they draw a line in the sand and say that’s it, I’m done. Sadly sometimes that takes 10 drinks and a condescending lecture and you go to bed alone in another state, or you sit through countless lectures that make you feel like an unfeeling jerkoff, incapable of human emotions, which you just don’t feel for the person lecturing you, or it takes a guy hitting you to realize you should not be with THAT GUY WHO IS HITTING YOU. The warning signs aren’t in caps from the front. It’s only in hindsight they are so big and obvious and you want to bang your head against a wall for missing them again (assuming the asshole hasn’t just banged your head against the wall for you). Anyway, my feeling is, people rarely change. I’d bet Alton is still drinking like a fish and telling himself it’s perfectly normal, and Jeff is with some girl who has to tell him constantly how much she loves him, cat rescue guy is still picking up stray cats and slut shaming women who won’t sleep with him, bi guy is questioning and analyzing another woman to prove he is more intelligent than she is, and crying guy is still falling apart every time he cums.

For some reason, I erase this line for 007 though. WHY??? I ask myself this all the time. What is it about this guy? He’s not the best looking guy I’ve dated (I do think he’s attractive, that has to be there), not the most intelligent (I will admit he’s up toward the top on the intelligence scale), not the nicest (like we haven’t established that dozens of times already), and has the absolute worst follow through of anyone I’ve ever met.

Maybe it comes back to the one useful piece of guy advice – if they want you, they will come to you. No matter how many times I tell him to go away (or fuck off, or crawl back into whatever hole he crawled out of, or whatever horrible thing I say to make him go away because I just can’t take him anymore without eroding my last shred of self respect), he always comes back. I’m not saying it ever works out. It’s been six years of basically NOT dating. Will he ever truly get his shit together? Doubtful. Will I ever be sane enough for someone to be able to stand me long term? Also doubtful. I’m no picnic. I know that. Unless it’s a picnic where it rains the whole time, and ants invade your blanket, and you’re missing half the food, and just waiting for lightning to hit you. That’s my kind of picnic. Of course, the same guy friend who gave me that indispensable advice once told me that what I liked about 007 was the drama and the fact that no one else gets it. That makes it appeal to me. Is he right? Am I that fucked in the head?

Maybe it goes nowhere and I wallow in self pity for a few weeks, or a few months, before finding #128 and trying again. I always do. But I think 007 would still be back in six months or so. And so far, he’s still the one that feels right, whatever that means in my fucked up head.

Guy 121 – Kirby – Body Wash Guy

Kirby was a sweet, much younger guy.  He claimed to be very into the MILF thing, but I think part of it was a bit of social awkwardness preventing him from finding girls his own age.  I have found with some younger guys they find it easier to talk to me than girls their age.  I guess it’s less intimidating because there’s no way I am looking for any kind of serious relationship with them.  That is kind of funny though, as several guys my age have told me I am intimidating.  So apparently dating me is intimidating, but I’m easy to be around otherwise.  Anyway, he was very cute and clearly spent quite a lot of time at the gym, so looks weren’t his problem.  We hooked up once and he suggested we shower together afterwards.  That’s not really my thing, but I figured I could either shower with him, or thirty seconds after he left my house, so if it made him happy, it was no big deal.  If he wanted to watch me condition my hair three times to get out the fuck knot, so be it.

It was sometime around conditioner number 2 when Kirby grabbed the bottle off the shower shelf and asked if he could use my body wash.  I said he was welcome to use that bottle, but it wasn’t body wash.  He asked what it was, and I suggested he read the label.  He did and asked, what’s Summer’s Eve?  I told him it was a girl thing, but he was welcome to use it if he really wanted to.  He practically threw the bottle back on the shelf.  All I could think of was the commercial where the guy accidentally uses his girlfriend’s Summer’s Eve and then does a bunch of manly things to make it OK, and then I couldn’t stop laughing.  Kirby didn’t find this nearly as funny as I did, oddly enough.

Kirby contacted me to meet again, but I was out of town at the time.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t home and thought I was just blowing him off.  He was a nice guy, but I just don’t think there was anything there, aside from a really funny moment when he wanted to soap himself up with Summer’s Eve.  I really hope he finds a nice girl his own age.

 

Repeat – Dirty Panties Guy

So DPG did turn up one more time.  He texted me to tell me he had seen me in his neighborhood.  I texted back to tell him it wasn’t me, as I was sitting in my home at the time.  He asked if I was sure, as if I couldn’t tell where I was while I was texting him.  I guess some people are confused as to whether they are sitting in their homes or in their cars in strange neighborhoods.  He said he saw “someone that could be your twin…I was stopped right next to her…I would have bet 1000.00 it was you.  Cute little sneaky hot librarian look…”  I replied, ok, thanks, hi.  I wasn’t aware this was the look I was portraying or the impression people got from me.  Now I really wonder if this is what all guys think of me???  Sneaky little librarian?  What the fuck?  He finally got the hint and left me alone.

 

Guy 122 – Leon – Flower Planting Guy

I started talking to Leon and he seemed like a nice guy.  He said he was really shy though and had never asked a girl out.  I asked how that could be possible, and he said he always just got to know them first as friends, and then started dating them.  He said most of the time he helped them out with something and things progressed from there.  I mentioned that I was going to work on my garden, and he offered to help.  I figured if the guy wanted to come dig holes in my backyard, who was I to refuse the help?

Leon came over and spent a couple hours hanging out and helping me plant a bunch of stuff.  We got along really well and kept texting after he left that night.  I assumed we would see each other again.  I started doubting that when we were still just texting a few months later.  He had suggested getting together a few times, but it was always at an odd time when he knew I wouldn’t agree to it, like 11 on a Sunday night, or some other crazy time.

It stayed as a friendly texting thing for about three months.  Then he texted me one night saying he was really upset and depressed.  I asked why and he said a girl he really liked, a girl he had been blowing me off for months for, had said something awful to him.  So dude texts me to tell me that he’s been blowing me off for months for some chick who just blew him off and he wants me to be his shoulder to cry on now?  You have to be fucking kidding me.  He said none of his friends were answering him.  I suggested he look for new friends, and a new girlfriend, and then stopped answering his texts.  What kind of balls do you need to have to tell someone she’s been your backup for months, and then ask her to empathize with you because your main interest doesn’t want you?  Was I supposed to be honored to be moved to the front of the line?  And this was a guy I had thought was nice.  What is wrong with people?

 

007 Returns AGAIN….

So I thought he was gone for good.  I had gotten completely fed up with him the last time and blocked him on my phone.  I set a filter on my email so his emails wouldn’t show up in my inbox.  What I didn’t consider was where they would show up.  I was in my junk folder looking for an AC Moore coupon to buy a frame, when what do I find?  An email from 007.  Apparently the filter I set was to send his emails to my junk folder.  I thought about not answering it.  I knew I shouldn’t answer it.  It had been 8 months. Let sleeping dogs lie, don’t beat a dead horse, stop being fucking stupid, all those sayings I should have listened to ran through my head as I replied to his fucking email.

We spent a couple days emailing back and forth and he asked if I had blocked him on my phone.  Said he had tried texting me a few times and didn’t get a response.  I confirmed that yes, I had blocked him.  He suggested I unblock him.  I asked why, so he could suggest I fuck him?  He said no, he wasn’t going to do that.  So, I unblocked him.  There followed a couple weeks of texting, in which he was actually nicer than usual.  I asked if his medication dosage had been increased or something.  I should have known it was too good to be true.  He started in on me saying I wouldn’t “bang” him and what was he supposed to do.  I suggested he date me like a normal person and not obsess over fucking me so he was no better than every other sleaze bag guy I’ve been with.  He said, but if you said you never would, what’s the point?  Back to square one again, 007 texting that I should fuck him.  Now there’s one I’ve never heard from him before.

I don’t know why I ever believe he will get it and understand how shitty that makes me feel when all he says is, you should fuck me.  I could get that from any guy.  I keep thinking he’s different, but he’s not.  He doesn’t want anything else from me or care about me as a person.  I’m just a walking vagina to him.  I told him go away, leave me alone.  I blocked him again, and set a new email filter.  Now they go directly to trash so I won’t accidentally run across any looking for a coupon for a frame or dress or whatever.  He needs to go his way and I need to go mine.

So far mine is completely single for the last four months.  I keep debating what to do, and keep coming back to, I think I’m broken.  Anyone I get involved with is just going to be another mess, so why bother?  I’ll just fuck it up. I’ve done it 122 times before.   Maybe I’m a little melodramatic tonight.  It’s been a bad day.  Maybe things will seem better in a week or so and I will feel up to trying again.  But it’s been four months, and the thought of trying and fucking up again just makes me even more depressed.

Maybe crazy dog lady isn’t a completely awful future.  At least they love me unconditionally, are always happy to see me, don’t blow me off for someone else, and don’t have an ulterior motive (like getting in my pants) for hanging out with me.  And they never ask me to talk about my feelings or get insulted when I’m sarcastic.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they find me as hysterical as I find myself.  Granted, I’m not kissing anyone who drinks from the toilet and considers sniffing asses to be an acceptable greeting, but hey, they’re good companions and always listen without judging.

Guy 118 – Boris – Stolen Pics Guy

He had an accent I couldn’t quite place, possibly Russian.  He definitely used someone else’s body pic, and sent me a very old face pic.  These guys never learn.  You don’t look like that anymore.  My guess is, you haven’t in close to 15 years (which would explain the dated leather jacket look in the face pic – damn, I should have caught that…).  I sent you a pic taken a matter of weeks ago.  I feel like it was a bait and switch move.  The body pic totally wasn’t him.  The guy in the body pic had a six pack.  Boris had a keg.  One of these days I am going to call one of these guys on it to their face.  Hey buddy, check out this pic you sent me – you clearly weigh at least 50-60 lbs more than the guy in the pic with the 6 pack abs.  And that face pic?  Your hair was completely black and full, clearly not the case now.  This pic is years old, possibly decades.  Go fuck yourself.  Someday.  It’s coming, just wait.  You lucked out it wasn’t you, Boris.  It helped that you said I was really cute and I should have no problem finding a boyfriend.  In the end though, you’re still a lying douche, and I’m not seeing you again.

 

Guy 119 – Neil – Strange and Dark Guy

Neil said he was looking for someone strange and dark.  I figured that pretty much described my life.  We met and went for a walk in the park.  He was an IT guy and I really wasn’t getting a strange or dark vibe from him at all.  He was more of an uptight dorky computer guy, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.  He was a really sweet guy and I spent a few hours hanging out talking to him, but I wasn’t quite sure exactly what he was looking for.  This is a guy who was incredibly excited about his 3D printer and couldn’t stop talking about all the things he was going to make with it.

It’s been a few weeks now and we’re still texting, but I don’t think I’m strange and dark enough for him.  He actually told me he thinks I’m delightful after meeting me.  That’s not one I get often, if ever.  It seems he has since found someone who meets his strange and dark requirements.  He has discovered that he’s very interested in face sitting and being restrained.  I’ve already tried the dom/sub thing and found it does nothing for me, but I hope Neil finds what he’s looking for.  He told me a story about a friend of his who went out with a guy who told her he was a lion, and she was the prey, and then licked her face.  He asked, who does that?  Because there must be a woman out there who actually likes that if a guy does it.  I assured him there is a kid for every pot, or some such shit.  Then I realized what I texted and assured him I meant a lid for every pot, that I do not cook kids.  And now I wonder, is that why I am still single?  Because I am trying to put kids into pots? Either way, I hope Neil finds the kid or lid or whatever for his pot.  And I really should stop texting and driving, I know…

 

Guy 120 – No Name – Dirty Panties Guy

I had heard of women who sold their worn underwear, but never gave it much thought.  Until one day I did think about it and wondered, why not?  It’s not like I can’t live without a pair of dirty underwear or will really miss it, or care what the guy will do with them, as long as I don’t have to see them do it.  So I found a guy looking for worn panties.  He asked how much I wanted for them so I turned to my trusted friend, Google, for dirty panty value.  There is actually quite a lot of info out there on selling worn underwear, if you want to find it.  I decided $40 was fair, based on my research.  Dirty Panties Guy (henceforth to be known as DPG, as I never wanted or got his name), felt this was high.  He said his “other girls” only charged $20-30.  I told him I had done my research and felt $40 was a fair price, given ~$5 for the cost of a pair of panties and personal delivery to an agreed upon drop off site.  I said he was welcome to look elsewhere as I really didn’t care and certainly wasn’t going to get my panties in a twist over it.  He replied saying $40 was OK.  We agreed on a day for the exchange and the type of panties.  I told him I don’t wear thongs and he agreed boy shorts worked for him.

The day of the exchange DPG kept messaging me, asking if I was wearing “his” panties.  I assured him I was.  He asked how I wanted to do the exchange and if I wanted to come to his house and have a drink and “tease” him like one of the other girls had.  He said most of them got in the back seat of his truck, took them off and handed them to him in the front seat.  I told him I would take them off at my house, put them in a sealed plastic bag, meet him in a public place and exchange the panties with him there.  No way was I going to his house or getting in a truck with this guy and taking off my underwear.  He said OK, he was fine with whatever I was comfortable with.

I met DPG at a shopping center in broad daylight.  He looked like a character actor I’ve seen before, he played a bad guy in the Patrick Swayze movie, Roadhouse.  (Kevin Tighe is the actor if you want to look him up.  I swear he has moved to PA and is buying women’s dirty panties for fun.)  He pulled up behind me and asked if I wanted to get in his truck.  I said no, not particularly.  He said then he should get in my car so it didn’t look like a drug deal (which it kinda felt like – not that I’ve ever done one, but I imagine that’s what it would feel like).  I said fine.  He got in, I handed him a plastic baggie of dirty panties (technically, his drug of choice), he handed me $40, said thanks, we both said bye, he got out, and I took off.

I think my panty selling career is over.  Maybe if it was mail order, I could do it.  Seeing the guy in person just felt skeevy though.  I was terrified he was going to open the bag in front of me and sniff them or something.  Maybe it is judgmental, but I don’t want to know what he’s going to do with my used panties.  Is that awful?  He messaged me not long after I got home saying, nice panties.  I didn’t answer.  What was I supposed to say?  I aim to please?  Thanks, so glad the smell of my vagina is pleasing to you?  Then he messaged me again, asking if my not replying meant I wasn’t interested in “doing future pairs”.  I’m not interested in “doing future pairs”, so I didn’t reply to that message either.  Apparently DPG is really fucking dense, because he still kept messaging me.  I finally told him I didn’t think the used panty thing was up my alley and I didn’t feel any need to do it again.  He said OK, and asked, did you wanna try anything else?  What the fuck?  I have no idea what that even means or where he was going with that, but I assured him, no, I’m good, thanks.  I’m keeping my dirty panties from now on.  I’m washing them before wearing them, of course, but no more selling them to pervy old guys – although it is good to know the option is out there if my current career falls through…

Guy 115 – Wolfgang – OCD German Guy

Nice enough guy, finishing up his PhD at an Ivy League school, so clearly intelligent.  Definitely one of the guys who sent pics of himself 20-30 lbs thinner, but that really isn’t uncommon, I’ve found.  He was only planning to be in the area for a few more months and then take a 2-3 YEAR break to travel around Asia once his degree was finished.  This blew my mind, essentially a 3 year vacation.  I got the impression that his family had money and he spent a lot of time traveling, most of it hiking/camping/backpacking type trips.  I found this out by his bookcases (plural) full of travel books, and shelves full of labeled plastic boxes filling his kitchen with travel supplies.  (He had these labeled boxes in his bathroom as well.)  It was one of the most OCD set ups I have ever seen – but to be fair, he said he could pack for a trip lasting several weeks in under an hour.  Anyway, we hung out once and it wasn’t anything amazing.

Parking in his neighborhood was a nightmare, and I am not good even with good parallel parking.  It also wasn’t the greatest neighborhood.  When I left, it was kind of late, and he didn’t even offer to walk me to my car, which I had to park several blocks away.  Then I didn’t hear from him for a week or so – not unexpected as he said he would be traveling for work, but suddenly he was back and constantly asking me to get together.  So overall, misleading pics, definite OCD issues, sketchy neighborhood with major parking problems (and he was allergic to dogs so never coming to my place), didn’t offer to walk me to my car at night, and overly aggressive about meeting again.  I don’t see this one happening.

Guy 116 – Anson – Super Young Guy

This is what happens when I get bored and depressed – I make bad decisions about guys.  Although it could be argued that I do that ALL the time.  Anyway, Anson was super young, even by my standards.  He was 24.  And yes, he knew how old I was.  I don’t get it, but some guys are into the older woman thing.  He was one of them.  He was extremely good looking and definitely spent a ton of time at the gym.  He said he’d like to meet again and I said OK, but I really don’t think that’s a good idea.  I highly doubt I will be seeing him again.

Guy 117 – Oliver – Serious Sub Guy

This one sounded like something different.  Oliver said he was an alpha male who spent all day being in control and wanted someone else to take over and let him be submissive.  Basically, he wanted someone to boss him around.  It seemed like a job I was born to do, right?  I’m a total control freak.  Well, kinda sorta maybe. Turns out he didn’t just want to be told what to do, he was totally looking for a Dominant/submissive kinky kind of thing where he wanted me to dress the part, tie him up, humiliate him, and actually flog him (I had no idea what a flogger even was). He said he’d provide his own flogger.  Oliver said he wanted to be a “human dildo”.  I figured why not?  It would be like Halloween.  I could dress up and pretend to be someone I’m not and maybe I’d find out it’s something that I actually enjoy.  So, I agreed.  Amazon, here I come.

#1 – Knee high black high heel boots – apparently these are a necessity.  They scream power to a submissive.  Of course, we are in sandal season, so boot selection right now is slim.  I tried local places like DSW and Famous Footwear – no luck.  I was stuck with Amazon.  And it turns out that I have expensive taste in boots.  I considered going the super cheap polyurethane route, but I just couldn’t do it.  I decided to get a decent pair that I might have a chance of actually wearing again in public with a dress or something, not just in a bedroom where I’m telling a guy to lick them.  Next problem – I decide I am willing to spend a lot on decent boots, but my feet are so small that I wear an odd size and can’t get them on Amazon prime or overnight shipping options.  They’ll take upwards of two weeks to get to my house, a full week and a half late for my sub to lick them.  So I ended up ordering a fairly expensive pair from a weird Chinese company whose box stated – Original Desigh – Flowers and the world a leaf pursue.  No, I didn’t misspell that, and no, I have no idea what the fuck it means, other than they don’t completely suck, and they aren’t great boots, but they’ll do, and they’ll be delivered in two days.

#2 – Black corset – I have a black bustier from a guy I was seeing who was into lingerie, but apparently this doesn’t count as a corset.  So, Amazon again.  You can spend hundreds of dollars on a corset if you want a good one.  You can even get them custom made.  My price range was $10-$20, so I’m looking at the cheap Chinese versions.  (No offense to anyone Chinese, but they do tend to have cheap clothing and shoe options online.)  If you read the reviews, however, they all explicitly warn that you need to order 2-3 sizes up because they run super small.  I end up ordering 3, figuring I will send back whatever doesn’t fit.  They arrive and I realize, I have no clue how to put on a corset.  It’s apparently much easier with 2 people, but I can’t exactly call my super Catholic neighbor and say, hey, I’m hooking up with a submissive guy, think you can come over and lace me into a sexy black corset?  I am on my own with this one.  The first one I try won’t stay hooked.  This really pisses me off because it took me ten minutes to figure out the fucking hooks.  Plus I realize it is falling off me, no matter how much I try to pull my boobs up to fill it and hold it up.  It finally dawns on me that the laces in the back need to be tightened, which means I need to take the whole thing off again.  I tighten them as much as possible and still don’t have the boobs to hold the damn thing up.  This one does not fit.  Apparently they don’t run as small as the reviews on Amazon claimed.  I try on the next one.  It turns out that #2 has a side zipper, not the impossible fucking front hooks the other one had.  This seemed great, until I zipped my boob in it.  That hurt like a motherfucker.  I finally got it zipped without any of my flesh in the actual zipper.  It fit pretty well.  I wouldn’t say it did a whole lot for my boobs like I thought a corset should, but it was a definite possibility.  I decided to try #3.  It was similar to #1, with the front hooks from hell, so I prepared myself for a fight.  I loosened the back lacing first so I’d have a little more play in front with the hooks.  A mere 20 minutes of what the fuck? Why am I doing this shit? later, I had the corset on.  It fit, and made my boobs look better than #2.  I wondered if I could just wear it for the next 36 hours.  Would anyone at work notice?  Sure, I would be sitting a little funny and my boobs would suddenly be up around my chin, but maybe that would slip past the largely male population?  OK, probably not, and I needed to shower at some point anyway, so the fucker needed to come off and I needed to repeat the corset fight another day.

#3 – leather panties – so not happening.  This sounds like an uncomfortable wedgie filled yeast infection in the making to me.  I told him no way.  I’d do lace panties, and I don’t do thongs or g strings.  I wear panties that actually cover my ass and fulfill their intended purpose.  I’m the dominant, sorry, Dominant, you’re the submissive, suck it up, buddy.  At one point he even suggested I could take them off and gag him with them.  Really?

#4 – black miniskirt – this seemed easy enough.  Randomly pick a black miniskirt off Amazon with 2 day shipping.  Not one so short that I bend over and my ass falls out, but above the knee, maybe mid thigh?  Should be a no brainer.  Ordered and done.

#5 – black opera gloves – I ignored this until the night before because I didn’t think it was important.  Turns out it is.  Sub guy said it is a huge turn on to be inspected/touched with the black opera gloves on.  I told him I could do nitrile gloves from work, but he didn’t seem to think that had the same appeal.  So where does one find black opera gloves in May?  The costume aisle of the party store.  Turns out the kids pair fit me perfectly.  While I was shopping in the party store, my sister face timed me.  She was shopping in Macy’s for a dress for my son’s graduation and wanted my opinion.  Then she asked where I was.  I told her I was shopping.  She asked where.  I told her it was a very long and strange story and she really didn’t want to know.  I paid for the gloves and told the kid at the register it was fine that there were no returns on costume items.  They wouldn’t want those gloves back when I was done with them.

#6 – find out how to act like a Dominant.  How hard could it be?  It’s not rocket science, right?  So I googled it. And then you get a bunch of half assed shit from Glamour and Cosmo that even I know aren’t what this guy is looking for.  Not even close.  But hey, I’m a scientist, research is totally my thing.  I just need to dig deeper.  Reddit turns out to be fairly helpful, kind of like the soft core porn version of Dominant/submissive stuff. Sub guy sent me a few stories he may or may not have liked (didn’t get a clear answer).  I can’t say I was super impressed with them or got any great ideas from them (a woman in one of them made a guy wear her underwear every day.  First of all, if my underwear fit a guy his size, I’d be really upset.  Second, that doesn’t turn me on at all.  And third, what a waste of my underwear.)  I told him I’d continue my own research.  That’s when I found Fetlife.  That site would be the hard core fetish site.  I quickly learned, don’t look at the pics or videos.  Stick with the newbie boards and suggestions.  That was about as far into Fetlife as I needed/wanted to go.  It seems you need to register to get in there.  My user name pretty much says it all, sonotme.  I felt like I got some background info on there, enough to give me an idea of what I had agreed to at least.  Whether or not I could actually follow through on it was another story.

By now I had been communicating with sub guy for close to a week.   We had agreed on a day to meet and he suggested a couple “fantasies” he wanted to try out.  They all work out pretty much the same, I tie him up naked, get him turned on, act mean and humiliate him, and intimidate him.  That part seemed weird to me, as I am the size of your average 12 year old and he was 6’2”.  He said it was all about him being tied up and unable to escape when I threaten to do awful things to him and flog him – and no, at this point, I still hadn’t even seen a flogger.  I probably could have looked it up on Fetlife, but was afraid of what I’d see.  Apparently the fear and pain turn sub guy on as much as the sexy clothes and touching, etc does.  I admitted that I was nervous and there were some things he suggested that I just was not willing to do.  I wasn’t going to stand over him in my bed in the crazy high heel boots.  I’m super clumsy.  I told him there was no way I was explaining to an ER doctor how my high heel ended up in his testicle and that it could have happened to anyone.  Nor was I walking on him in them.  He said OK, he’d suck my toes instead.  Um, seriously?  I generally don’t even like having my feet touched, but I figured it was a compromise and I agreed.

The agreed upon date rolled around.  We talked back and forth during the day and he offered me the chance to back out.  I thought about it, but I hate flaky people, and I had invested way too much time, effort and money into this now to back out.  I was following through.  I told him I might not be great at it, but I’d give it a shot.  He said the one thing he would ask is that I don’t break character in the middle and ask if he was OK or if I had done something correctly.  He said it made it really hard for him to get back into things if that happened.

I showered and started getting ready. Lace panties, stockings, then high heel boots, then skirt.  It turned out the miniskirt was knee length.  It sucks being short.  It was definitely a mini on the model in the pic on the fucking website.  Oh well, too late to do anything about that now.  Then it was a 20 minute fight with the corset in front of a fan because it was really hot.  If my neighbors on that side of the house were watching, you’re welcome for the free show.  I was finally ready.

Sub guy showed up.  He went up to my bedroom and stripped.  He said he would bring his flogger, blindfold, gag, and cuffs, just in case.  But I was supposed to come in and tie him to the bed with my scarves.  I read enough about this shit to know that if you tie that shit wrong, it can cause permanent nerve damage, so I very loosely tied his hands and feet.  Plus my bed is a hand me down from my sister, and if he really wanted to struggle, I don’t give a fuck if it wasn’t a turn on to not be bound tightly.  I’d rather the scarf knots gave than my bed.  He had drilled it into me that he really wanted to be afraid of me, and seriously wanted to feel threatened, so I brought a kitchen knife with me.  Honestly, I was more at risk from the knife than he was.  I was terrified I was going to trip and impale myself while carrying it up the steps and was incredibly relieved when I could put it down and just say, hey, I have a knife.  But you know what, that shit totally turned him on.  Between the knife and the ties and the gloves and the clothes, sub guy was hard as a rock.  And I found the flogger!  Not all that impressive.  I was expecting a whole lot more and was completely underwhelmed by it.  It was just a stick with a leather piece on the end.  So I figured I should flog him.  But I wasn’t sure how hard to hit.  I didn’t want to beat the shit out of the guy, but I also didn’t want to hit like a girl.  So I hit him a few times and told him he needed to do exactly what I said or there would be repercussions, and they would be pain.  And within like ten seconds, my scarf knots came undone.  He said I should use his cuffs.  There were two sets, and they had Velcro, and they stuck to the opera gloves, and next thing I knew my hands in the gloves were all tangled up in the cuffs.  I felt myself on the verge of giggling and losing it completely, so I told him he needed to be blindfolded and then hurled the gloves across the room and played around with the cuffs until I got them to more or less hold his hands.

Things pretty much went downhill from there.  I knew I wasn’t really intimidating, and I felt weird hitting him with the flogger – it left marks!  And then his hand slid out of his cuffs, and I was like, OK, Houdini, stay in the fucking cuffs or I’ll hit you more.  So I told him to suck my toes, which just made me feel like laughing, and he wasn’t hard anymore, and that was pretty much it.

Oddly enough, aside from all the weird sub shit, he seemed like an OK guy.  I’m pretty sure the weird sub shit ruled his life though, which is unfortunate.  He said maybe we should try again, that we were both nervous, but somehow I don’t see that happening.  I just don’t think I can take it seriously enough to be a Dominant for real.  My twisted sense of humor always gets me into trouble, and it did here yet again.  I found the whole thing funny, as opposed to a turn on.

So, I am a failed Dominant.  I really want to do an after action review and find out what parts I completely fucked up.  Not that I plan to do it again, I just like to know what went wrong.  It’s part of my perfectionist, anal retentive screwed up personality.  I now have some really slutty clothes that are perfect if I want to dress up like a slutty whatever next Halloween though – or really impress my next date/hookup.  And I will find a way to wear those expensive Chinese boots somewhere that a guy won’t expect to lick them or have me take them off so he can suck my toes.

I must be a glutton for punishment, or just really stupid, because I’m at it again…

#114 – Matt – Married Guy

Yeah, I know, big mistake. After the Jeff debacle, I thought my best bet was to find a guy who wanted a purely physical relationship and wouldn’t want or expect me to fall in love with him. A married guy who supposedly loved his wife seemed perfect. I know I should have considered that a guy who truly loved his wife and kids wouldn’t be cheating on her, but hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Anyway, it went OK for the first few weeks. I saw him once or twice a week and had fun with him. He seemed like a nice guy, aside from the obvious fact that he was cheating on his wife. He made me laugh and didn’t seem like a complete sleaze whose only interest was getting in my pants. Then he cancelled on me last minute for a family emergency. Said a relative had died on the other side of the state. I understand, that stuff happens. I was fine with that. He apologized, said he would let me know when he was back in town.

A few days later, Matt emailed me again. He said he was back and asked if I would be up for meeting Wednesday night. I had plans for Wednesday, but agreed to rearrange them so I could see him. Wednesday rolled around, and no word from Matt. I emailed him, asking what was the plan, and got absolutely no response. In fact, I got no response from him until I emailed him on Friday saying, hey, really not cool to completely stand me up, a simple no thanks would have been nice. Matt emailed back telling me that this was why he wanted something no strings attached with someone who would understand the limitations of his situation. I had rearranged my plans to be available when he was (more than just that once on Wednesday) as he had scheduling limitations – to be expected when you have a wife and two kids. I wasn’t trying to attach any strings to the situation, just asking for common courtesy and to be told if he wasn’t going to show up. I pointed out there is a difference between strings and manners.

Matt apologized and suggested we get together again a few days later. Like a fucking moron, I agreed. He said he would be over sometime after 9. About 10 minutes before that, he emailed and said he would be late, because a kid he coached had been hurt, and he was going to stay at the hospital until the parents arrived and would let me know what was going on. I said OK, just keep me updated. Then I heard nothing for two hours. I emailed and asked for an update. No response. Finally about half an hour after that, he emailed and told me he would have to reschedule because the kid was “like a son” to him and he was going out to eat with the family. Oddly enough, I was in the middle of emailing him when his update came.

I agreed. We should reschedule. I had been sitting around for 2.5 hours with no idea what was going on. I suggested Matt pick another night and I would agree and clear my schedule. I would vacuum my whole house (I have large Northern breed dogs who were currently blowing out their coats and had to vacuum every day), wash all my bedding (same reason), shave everything (obvious reason, I assume), and then sit around all night waiting for him not to show up. (I had actually gotten up at 545 that morning to wash my bedding before going into work as I had so much scheduled that day. Then I ended up so busy there was no hope of lunch and finally got home around 7. I work hard, I was exhausted. The bagel I ate between vacuuming and making my bed was breakfast, lunch and dinner, as it’s all I had time to eat before jumping in the shower and getting ready for the guy who never even showed up.) What the fuck? I was done. I told him I had tried to deal with seeing him on his terms and schedule, but his lack of communication made it impossible. I assured him again, it had nothing to do with strings, but everything to do with common courtesy. I had spent another night sitting around waiting for him with no idea what was going on, because he didn’t feel I was worth letting know that he wasn’t going to show. I guess if you are just the slut the guy is cheating on his wife with, you aren’t deserving of basic manners. I felt like utter shit, and realized yet again that all my dating disasters had eroded any shred of self esteem I managed to build up. I went to bed feeling like the biggest loser in the world.

Then I woke up the next morning angry. Because yeah, I was stupid to get involved with a married guy. But I bent over backwards for that asshole, cancelling plans several times and seeing him at whatever odd hours he could get free. He treated me like the puppy dog chained in the yard, waiting for its owner to come home. I deserve better than that. Everyone does. He isn’t a nice guy. I had no doubt he was patting himself on the back for what a great guy he had been staying at the hospital with the kid and his family, and what a bitch I was for being pissed he stood he me up. But let’s be honest – if he hadn’t been at the hospital, he would have been in my bed, fucking a woman who isn’t his wife. That isn’t something nice guys do. I told Matt not to let himself off the hook as a good guy, because he truly was treating both me and his entire family with zero respect. The only person Matt cared about was Matt. I suggested Matt grow up, talk to his wife, and get his shit together.

Could I have handled it better and not been quite as bitchy? Yeah, and I probably should have taken the higher ground and done so. I do feel somewhat bad about it, but at the same time, all I wanted was to be treated like a decent human being. If you don’t want to see me, fine, I’ll get over it. It’s disturbingly easy to find guys to sleep with if you aren’t hideously unattractive, too easy, in fact. Just have some fucking manners and tell me. Don’t expect me to sit around all night waiting for you like my time means nothing. I spent years doing that with 007.

One of the most interesting things about the situation is that Matt’s wife was a family counselor. They had weekly scheduled meetings to talk about their feelings. Either she’s the lousiest counselor in the world or he’s the best liar as his infidelity never came up.

Maybe I am better off being single forever, especially if this is what marriage gets you.

Guy 104 – Trevor – Super tall guy

Trevor and I were at different ends of the height spectrum.  He was too tall (6’8”) and I was too small (5’0” – not sure if I mentioned that before).  We met for dinner.  I considered wearing heels but figured that was like a drop of water in the ocean.  As we walked in together, the hostess did a double take and we definitely got some looks.  We got along OK and walked out to the parking lot after dinner.  We talked for a few minutes at my car.  He said he’d considered hugging or kissing me, but couldn’t figure out how it would work.  He thought he’d have to bend in half to reach me.  He was a nice guy and it was interesting to talk to someone dealing with the exact opposite for height issues.  The grass isn’t always greener, I guess.  We didn’t meet up again.

 

Guy 105 – Albert

Nothing special, only met once.

 

Guy 106 – Julius – Pinned by the balls guy

Julius seemed like a nice guy.  He made me laugh and we had fun together.  He told me a story about teaching his daughters self defense, and having them grab his balls.  One wouldn’t let go, and he had to pinch her arm to get out of it.  Then this adult daughter got in a car accident, and life stopped for everyone so he could take care of her.  She wasn’t seriously injured by the way, just hit her head and had some headaches.  Not even hospitalized.  He kept cancelling on me to take care of her, which was getting annoying.  We finally got together, and his daughter texted him that she was hungry, and he needed to come home and feed her.  I thought he was kidding, but no, he was serious.  She still had him by the balls.  Doesn’t work for me.  No more Julius (or his needy incompetent daughter).

 

Guy 107 – Johnny

Another muscle guy.  Never went anywhere.  I’m not really attracted to the overly built look.

 

Guy 108 – Melvin

Met once, nothing memorable.

 

007, YET AGAIN

This was classic 007.  I should fuck him.  We should meet.  Now.  Only now was Christmas eve and my nephew’s gift never came.  I had to go to Target and fight all the other desperate last minute shoppers.  He couldn’t wait. I didn’t see him, and he went MIA again.

 

Guy 109 – Jeff

I met Jeff for lunch at a restaurant near my work.  He lived an hour away from me and my work was somewhere in the middle.  I knew within five minutes of meeting him that it would never be something lasting for me.  I spent about 3 hours at lunch with him, about 2:45 of that listening to him talk about himself.  I put my feet up on the chair next to me and settled in for a long talk.  He was obviously a nice guy, who seemed to have very little idea where he was going with his life.  He hated his job, wasn’t happy with his house, had recently ended a long term relationship (5 years) directly following another long term relationship (1 year) and his marriage (12 years).  He kept stressing that he wasn’t looking for anything long term at the moment, although he seemed like a serial monogamist to me.  I got all this in the first hour, the next 2 hours just hammered all the points home more, I guess.

We walked out together and I was debating what to say if he wanted to go out again.  I knew I’d never plan a future with this guy.  But he was really nice and said he wasn’t looking for a relationship then anyway.  He asked to see me again, and I know I should have said no right there and then. I didn’t and sealed my fate for the next 9 months.

Jeff spent the first month or so telling me not to fall in love with him because I’d just get hurt.  I said OK, not a problem.  I should have worried when he stopped saying that, but I completely missed it.  Next thing I knew, I was seriously dating a guy who really liked me and expected to have his feelings reciprocated.  The longer it went on, the more trapped I felt and unable to end it.

He did have good points.  He was a good looking guy.  Not a guy my family saw me with, lots of tattoos, shaved head and gauges.  I’m pretty clean cut.  He was a super nice guy, the kind who would give you the shirt off his back if you asked for it.  He was a good dad to his 8 year old daughter. He fixed things around my house, and didn’t use loctite or duct tape. He was reliable and consistent, showed up where and when he said he would every time.  He squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom (I never do). And, he treated me incredibly well, which was totally new for me.

Of course, there were some drawbacks too, some more serious than others.  We had almost nothing in common.  Jeff would want to sit around watching TV and go out to dinner, and that was the date.  I love to read and planned dates like plays and baseball games.  He planned a couple dates, but it was usually on me to get us anywhere other than dinner.  Dinner was supposed to be followed by sex and bed.  He slept with me wrapped/trapped in his arms.  He said I should feel safe in his arms.  I felt smothered.  I was sleeping with an octopus who radiated heat. And he kept telling me how much he liked me, all the time.  Yes, this would be nice, if I felt the same way.  He was a bit of a racist, totally not OK with me.  He toned that way down and didn’t say anything when I argued with 2 groups of his racist friends (first and last time I met any of them).  I thought he had a drinking problem.  He said it was one of the reasons his wife left him, but it wasn’t a problem anymore.  Whether we were out or at home, he would start drinking with dinner.  Most times it continued until bed time, and was usually 3 – 4 drinks, minimum, every night.  We could go to a bar, and he’d grab a beer the second we got back to his house.  I noticed he could be nasty or mean when he was drunk, saying things that I knew he wouldn’t say sober.  He gave my son a lecture while drunk one night about helping around the house and not being lazy.  He was right, but totally out of line to yell at my kid.  I told him I didn’t want him to do that again, and he did call my son and apologize.  He even passed out on me one night in bed, literally 180 lbs that I had to push off me.  He was also a know it all.  Anything you had done, he had done it better.  There was one time where my son blew registering for a summer course he needed for college.  I was extremely upset, as this could delay his graduation and degree.  He spent the next half hour telling me how he was responsible for getting his brother through restaurant/management school.  The brother couldn’t have done it without him.  Not really what I wanted to hear at the time.  And then he couldn’t understand when I wouldn’t talk about my feelings with him.  My sister hated him for the know it all crap.  I just ignored it.

He made a lot less than me. I’m talking like 1/3 -1/4 of what I earn.  At first he said a guy should make more and support the woman.  Then he said it didn’t bother him that I made more.  I knew that wasn’t true and he resented me for spending money on things he thought were unnecessary and wasteful.  There were comments and looks here and there.  I work in a good field and earn every penny I make.  I am a very hard worker.  I didn’t feel it was his place to begrudge me whatever I wanted to spend my money on, just because he was in a dead end job and made less than me.

I knew I was in serious trouble when he started saying “I love you” when he thought I was sleeping.  I’m an insomniac.  I sleep like crap and every noise wakes me up, including him telling me he loved me.  He he had to know I heard that.  It felt passive aggressive to me.

Jeff didn’t get my sense of humor.  This is important for me.  A favorite insult in my family is, you’re not funny and you’re not attractive.  The bigger insult in my family is the not funny part.  I would crack up at something and he would look at me like I was crazy.  Which maybe I am, just a little. But I’m still funny.  We were sitting at an outdoor café not long after we started dating.  He suddenly said, you’re going to want to trade seats with me in a couple minutes.  I asked, why? Is there a cute guy sitting behind me? This was honestly my first thought and immediate response.  He said no, the sun is moving and will be in your eyes in a few minutes.  I have sunglasses, you don’t.  OK, yeah, I felt like a bit of a jerk, but I still thought this was funny.  The guys at work were shocked he didn’t dump me there and then.  Another time we were in bed after sex and he said, I’m really attached to you.  I said nah, you’re just sticky.  Take a shower and you’ll be fine.  Could I have responded better?  Yeah, probably, but that was my instant response.  He said I had an uncanny ability to ruin a nice moment.

Anyway, things went on like this for 6 – 7 months.  I couldn’t see a way out without hurting him.  That’s when Jeff started saying he wanted me to talk about my feelings with him.  Seriously, did he not know me by then?  I don’t do feeling discussions.  I think anything I feel should be contained and managed by me.  There’s no reason to drag anyone else into that stuff.  It became a weekly discussion and I wanted to curl into a ball and roll away every time he started.  He swore that he was going to break through my “wall” and I’d be a completely different person who talked about my feelings.  This was the rut we were in when things came to a head.

Jeff’s brother was coming in from the other side of the country.  He hadn’t been home in two years.  There were family events scheduled from Thursday night through Sunday afternoon.  At this point, he had met my dad and the only 2 siblings I had who had been around while I was dating him.  I had met his mom for about 30 seconds.  I thought he would want me to come to something over the weekend to meet his family since we had been dating for 9 months and he had met mine.  He even came to father’s day dinner with my family and spent a weekend with me at my sister’s.  He said I should come over his house on Sunday night, after everyone had left.  I thought this was a shitty move and told him so.  He said he didn’t want me to meet his family because he wasn’t sure about my feelings for him since I never discussed them.  Really? We’re back to the feelings thing AGAIN?  I told him I wasn’t some caterpillar who was going to change into some butterfly person who talked about their feelings.  What you see is what you get, and if the caterpillar isn’t good enough for you, you should be dating someone else.  Jeff said OK, we were done.  End of story.

 

Guy 110 – Ralph – Driver guy

We hung out once and he made brownies with me for my sister.  Nice enough guy, but he seemed to want more, and kept texting me all the time.  I just ended a relationship where the guy was constantly up my ass.  It wasn’t what I needed at the time.

 

Guy 111 – Donald – Kid guy

Guy my age, kids, drama, as per usual.  No thanks.

 

Guy 112 – Burton

Met once, nothing there really.

 

Guy 113 – Miles

Nice guy.  We met once and he suggested I write a book with all my dating stories.  So here I am.

 

007, AGAIN

He turned up again after I had been seeing Jeff for a month or so.  His usual routine, I should fuck him, do I have a bf, etc.  I told him I was seeing someone but it wasn’t serious.  I asked if he wanted to give me a reason to break up with him.  He got nasty about me seeing someone, although he never bothered to see me himself.  He reminded me of my female dog.  She guards the food so the male can’t eat.  She doesn’t want the food, but she doesn’t want him to have it either.  I have to take his bowl of food and put it in another room.   After a few days of our usual texts, he told me he had a serious health issue and needed surgery.  I asked if I could keep in touch with him and make sure he was OK.  He got horribly mean, said I had a boyfriend and should just leave him alone forever.  I didn’t really like this option, but there wasn’t an alternative.  I agreed to leave him alone, but told him it went both ways and he needed to leave me alone too.  Then he disappeared and I didn’t hear from him again, until…

He turned up again. He’s like fucking Chucky, you think he’s gone and he turns back up and messes up your life.  He started texting me out of the blue four months after he told me to leave him alone forever.  I had stuck to the deal and left him alone.  I asked if he was OK, and he said, yes, he was fine.  I asked why he had contacted me after telling me to leave him alone four months ago.  He said, I masturbate to you often and thought I’d reach out.  That had me laughing in Walmart and trying to explain it to my son, with whom I was shopping for work pants.  There was some texting back and forth, and then he said he would come over my house the next day and hang out.  I told him I had plans, he said cancel them, I said no, I’m not flaky, pick another day.  He said he had tried and went MIA again.  Until…

He turned up again.  I was through with Jeff at this point, but wasn’t telling 007 anything about my personal life since he had been such a jerk about it previously.  He did his usual, you should fuck me, I said I wasn’t interested in being his fuck buddy.  He said, he didn’t say that.  He was just saying you have to try it out first.  I told him I wasn’t a free sample at the grocery store, and he suggested a trial basis, not a free sample.  I told him have a nice day, I’d talk to him again in a few months.  He made a few mean texts after that, and I realized that I wasn’t interested anymore.  I was tired of him being a dick to me and making me feel like shit, and there was absolutely no reason to talk to the guy and ever believe that he would be something or someone different.   It would be like Jeff waiting for me to turn into the butterfly who talked about her feelings.  I don’t want to be with him the way he is now.  I should have done it years ago, but I finally blocked him on text and email.  It’s been several months, and I haven’t heard from him, and I’m perfectly fine with that.

So, I’m currently single and debating what to do in terms of dating again.  I haven’t figured it out yet, and probably won’t anytime soon.  But if I do, I will keep this updated.  Assuming anyone reads it…

Guy 93 – Charlie – Dive bar guy

Charlie was one of the much younger guys.  We agreed to meet at a bar, somewhere between my neighborhood and his.  This left us in a bit of a sketchy area.  Charlie randomly picked some bar he found online, said it had good reviews.

I arrived at the bar first, and knew there was no way I was going in there alone.  I texted Charlie to see how far he was and told him I was waiting for him to get there because it was a little scary.  He said we could go somewhere else, but I said it was OK as long as I wasn’t by myself.

Charlie arrived and immediately suggested we go someplace else.  I said we should check it out, how bad could it be?  We walked into a room with a long bar running down the left side and some small rooms off to the right.  The first room to the right contained a recliner with a guy either sleeping or passed out in it.  The next room contained a bunch of lawn furniture, white plastic table and chairs.  The last room had a pool table.  We definitely got some odd looks.  There was a Carole King song playing loudly in the bar.  Funny, they really didn’t look like a Carole King crowd.  Charlie and I walked over to the bar and stood there for a few minutes with the bartender ignoring us.  There weren’t that many patrons.  Charlie said, screw it, we’re going someplace else.

We went into another neighborhood and found a hipster kind of bar.  They actually took our order and no one stared at us.  At one point during the night, the same Carole King song from the dive bar started playing.  I guess you can escape some things, but Carole King isn’t one of them.

We left the bar and agreed things had gone well and we should meet again.  Then I spent 2 weeks with Charlie making and cancelling plans.  I finally got tired of it and said I was done.  Charlie answered me saying, I met this girl and I want to see how things go with her.  I’ll give you a call if things don’t work out with her. I told him I’d pass on being his back up.  Seriously, dude?  No thanks.  I have some dignity left, I think.  Although I did find a grocery list I made while drunk that listed dignity under cheese as a needed item.  Do you find that in the cheese aisle?

 

Guy 94 – Corey – Marine guy

Much younger guy.  Former marine, very cute, very built.  We met a few times, nothing special, and then we were done.

 

Guy 95 – Mason

Nothing special, can’t remember anything except he was a nurse.

 

Guy 96 – Petey – Know it all guy

I met Petey at a local bar.  He was another guy who had sent an old pic, I’d guess about five years.  He was a little older than me and had a daughter starting college next year.  He spent the first hour talking about himself.  His daughter, his ex, his mom who had died of cancer fairly young.  Then he moved on to what a scam drugs are, especially the ones taken for psychiatric conditions, like depression, bipolar, etc.  All those people needed was the power of positive thinking to heal themselves.  He had been to a seminar that made it clear for him.  He couldn’t believe how stupid those people were, taking drugs they didn’t need and giving all their money to the pharma companies.  I asked if he hadn’t ever seen anyone benefit from taking those medications, and he said, no, they’re all fake.  This is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I couldn’t take anymore.  I told him my mom had been bipolar and had taken those drugs for years.  I told him the power of positive thinking would not cure someone who was bipolar.  I suggested that maybe his mom should have used positive thinking and she would have cured her cancer.  Then I told him he was a know it all asshole who really knew nothing.  I threw $20 on the table and walked out.  I never heard from Petey again, which is probably a good thing for him.

 

Guy 97 – Riley – Bad breath guy

Nice guy, horrible teeth and bad breath.  I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could ever kiss that guy. It didn’t help that 007 texted in the middle of the date. He has impeccable timing.

 

Guy 98 – Luke – Depressed guy

Luke had recently broken up with his girlfriend of 10 years, with whom he was still living, with her new boyfriend staying over all the time.  He was a guy who was stuck in a bad situation and he clearly was not a happy guy.  I liked him a lot.  I felt like he was someone I could talk to and he’d actually understand.  Unfortunately, he moved to Colorado after we only met twice to address his living situation.  He’s a highly intelligent guy and I love his emails.  We still keep in touch, but probably not as often as we should.  I really hope things turn around and start looking up for him.  He deserves a break.

 

Guys 99, 100 and 101 – Jaden, Roberto and Richard

Nothing special.  Met them each once.  Nothing really there.

 

Guy 102 – Jordan – Tall FWB guy

I met Jordan at a local bar and we got along great.  So great that we made out at my car afterwards until a cop car passed for the third time.  He was 8 years younger than me, so not a drastic age gap there.  Jordan wanted to get married and have 6 kids.  I wanted someone to hang out with for the moment, so we decided on FWB.  We had fun, went to baseball games, mini golf, hung out at local bars and restaurants.  We made a deal where I baked him a cheesecake, and he had to replace the burnt out bulbs in my house.  He could reach them without a ladder.  Or a chair, or a stool.  He just reached up, and there was the fixture.  I had been climbing on a stack of textbooks on a chair, praying the whole time.

He did once take me to a baseball game with a lunch bag giveaway for kids 14 and under. I walked through the gate ahead of him and the guy standing there held out a lunch bag to me. I immediately turned around to see if a kid had walked in behind me. Nope, the only person behind me was 6’4″ Jordan. He laughed and told me to take it. I’m really small and was wearing a skirt, baseball t-shirt, baseball cap and chucks. I guess I looked like a kid and should feel flattered? My family thought the story was hysterical.

Anyway, things went well for a few months and then I noticed that I was only seeing Jordan during the week, and he was spending every weekend with a “friend” who lived a couple hours away. We weren’t dating, but we were sleeping together, and I didn’t want to sleep with Jordan and his “friend” and get whatever STDs people were trading back and forth.  We went out for what I knew was going to be our last night, and I drank too much.  On the ride home I lectured Jordan about the fact that he wasn’t getting any younger, and he needed to get started if he really wanted those six kids.  I’m pretty sure I was obnoxious, but to be fair, I was also irritated that I was the weekday hookup, and there was another weekend hookup.  I would have been happy if things had gone on longer with Jordan, but he truly did need to get started on that kid thing if he wanted to see them get through high school without a cane.  I hope things worked out for him.

 

Guy 103  – Alan – Not a friend guy

I met Alan to hang out as friends.  It was established upfront that we both had shitty luck with dating and were looking for an opposite sex friend to help understand why we were failures.  We met at a bar where Alan yelled his horrible break up story to me over a football game.  Mine couldn’t even compare.  Then we went outside and talked in the parking lot for an hour or so.  I thought things went well.  Then I got home and had an email from him saying he wouldn’t be just a friend to me because he was attracted and wanted to date me.  I can’t even get guys to be my friend anymore…