Guy 12 – Kieran – Irish Guy

I admit it, I have a thing for accents.  Especially Irish and Australian.  I can’t explain it.  It’s shallow and silly, but it is what it is.  We hung out as friends.  We agreed that we would be good friends.  Then as he was leaving my house, Kieran said I should kiss him.  I told him friends don’t kiss.  He said if he could get my dog to kiss him (she was afraid of men), then I should kiss him.  The next thing I know he’s practically making out with my dog.  Traitor.  I ended up making out with the guy.  Accent, what can I say?

I saw Kieran again, and things moved to my bedroom.  Irish guys are NOT small.  That is a fallacy.  Kieran pulled a coke can sized penis out of his pants and my jaw dropped.  I had an 8 lb baby come out of that hole, it has to fit, right?  No, it doesn’t.  At least not without a lot of maneuvering and pain. My favorite part of the whole thing (besides laughing hysterically when he pulled the monster dick out of his pants and thought he’d put it in me) was when my cat jumped on the bed.  Kieran kicked her off and said, one pussy was enough.  I laughed again, which seemed to be the only thing to do when you have a guy so big he literally won’t fit.

Kieran and I agreed to get together again. After a week or so of texting back and forth, and Kieran always being too busy to meet, I realized he just wanted to bang me.  He got what he wanted, and he was done.  OK, fuck you, Kieran. On to the next guy.

This is where it gets interesting with Kieran.  About a year later, my sister was telling me about some Irish guy she met on another dating site (not the one where I met Kieran).  She started describing him, and I knew, holy shit, it’s Kieran.  She knew the Irish guy story, and agreed this was too good to pass up.  She emailed back to confirm it was Kieran, something innocuous.  He confirmed he was indeed, Kieran, the huge Irish dick.  I don’t mean he had a big dick. I mean he was a big dick.  My sister emailed back again and said he seemed like a nice guy, but she didn’t take sloppy seconds from her sister’s dog.  He emailed back, fair enough.  That was the end of Kieran.

Guy 13 – Josh -FWB

My first Friend With Benefits.  This could be good, right?  Fun while it lasted.  It was over when I found out I was one of many “friends”.  So long, Josh.

This was about when I made a decision.  I would not date the guys I slept with, or sleep with the guys I dated (unless I totally fell in love with the guy, which I knew was never gonna happen – not that I’m a pessimist or anything).  I thought this would make things easier, this clear delineation of roles.  My theory was that if I slept with a guy I dated and really liked, and things didn’t work out, I would be hurt.  It’s easier to walk away from a guy when you haven’t had sex with him.  The other guys weren’t meant to last.  They were fun while they were around, but I wasn’t really going to be upset if they suddenly weren’t there anymore.  No feelings involved, no problems.  Guys do this all the time, right?  Why not me?  I was going to start hooking up like a guy.

Guy 14 – Andrew – Old guy 2

Another age denier.  Sorry, buddy, you can’t send me a ten year old pic and expect that you will look like that when we actually meet.  I have functional eyes, even if I do wear glasses.  Just for distance.  Not bifocals or anything that would make me old.

Guy 15 – Rick – Needy Guy

Rick seemed sweet.  He was a younger guy.  He was working on his PhD and was a bit of a nerd.  But I am too, so who am I to judge?  We had a nice dinner, talked a lot, made out and the night was over.  That’s when it started.

I have to see you, you’re my only friend.  OK, Rick, I’ve met you once, I can’t possibly be your only friend.  Yes, you are and I’m horribly lonely.  I knew I was in trouble.  This was repeated almost daily, until one day he asked about my son’s Xbox Live name.  That was it.  I told him I couldn’t possibly date a guy who wanted to play video games with my kid.  It was too weird.  Rick finally gave up after another week or so of sad, I need you to be my friend texts.  OK, big mistake.

Oddly enough, one of my friends ended up hooking up with Rick a few months later.  She said he was awful and weird.  She didn’t get the endless be my only friend texts though.  Can we count that as an improvement?

Guy 16 – Lee – Boring Guy

Just boring.  Nothing else to say. BORING.