Guy #1  Joe  – TOOTH GUY

Joe showed up at my house to take me to dinner.  His car, an older model vehicle, known as a clunker in my family, reeked of cigarette smoke.  I am not a smoker.  While he didn’t smoke when I was in the car, the smell was still overwhelming.  I practiced breathing as little as possible on the way to dinner.  We arrived at the restaurant, with me breathless and gulping clean air in the parking lot.

We were seated, ordered our food, and began eating our meals with some forced small talk.  I suddenly noticed that Joe was missing a tooth in a rather conspicuous front spot in his mouth.  I’ve had issues with my teeth, so I am the last one to judge others with teeth issues.  What amazed me was when the tooth was back in his mouth in the middle of dinner.  I couldn’t help wondering how it had magically appeared.  I mean, I know Joe put it in, but where was he storing it?  Had he started the night with the tooth in his pocket and just remembered it was there?  Was he like my grandfather, who used to pop out his dentures for a laugh and always freaked me out?  My next thought was, does he really think I didn’t notice the missing tooth during the first hour or so I had spent with him?  I think there is a point where you just have to own that hole, and Joe was there.

We finished dinner with the tooth in place and went back to emphysema town, otherwise known as Joe’s car.  I held my breath again, wishing we had chosen a place closer to my house.  We got to my house, and Joe wanted to sit in the car and talk.  Dear God, seriously?  Escape was in sight the whole time, my front porch invitingly visible over Joe’s shoulder.

I can’t remember how we started the conversation, but the next thing I knew, I was being berated for not dating for most of the last 18 years.  I was told that I was using my son as an excuse to hide from men and dating.  I sure as hell wished I had hidden from this date.  The lecture went on for a few minutes.  I was pretty much flabbergasted, and said very little.  Remember, this was my first date in several years.  If this happened to me now, I would happily tell the guy to go fuck himself.  (I forgot to mention, I have a mouth like a truck driver according to my dad.)  The talk finally seemed to be moving toward a closing argument.  I saw my opportunity, thanked Joe for dinner, jumped out of the car and bolted for my front porch before he could say anything else.  This is what I had been missing?

 

Guy #2  Jackson – SHOWER GUY

I took a break for a few months after Joe.  I couldn’t face the prospect of meeting another guy like him.  Eventually I gave in and went for a date with Jackson.  He was very good looking, very nice and interesting at dinner, and seemed normal.  This was a ruse.  We finished dinner and went our separate ways.  A few days later, Jackson came over and we made out a little.  Just kissing, I swear.  He went back to his house, which was 5-10 minutes away.  We texted back and forth for the next few days.  He kept telling me he wanted me to watch him shower.  I thought he was kidding.  Sure, buddy, I’ll watch you shower.  Is this what dating is nowadays?

Jackson texted me shortly after that and told me he had gotten his hair cut.  It had been almost shoulder length when we first met, but now was practically a crew cut.  He said he could feel the hair inside his shirt, and it was making him itchy.  He said it was time to take a shower, and I should watch.  He was serious.  He said he did it with a previous girlfriend, and it was really hot.  Keep in mind this guy lived within 10 minutes of my house.  He set up a webcam so I could watch from my house.

Shower guy disrobed and started the water.  As he turned around, I saw that the guy was hung like a fucking horse.  No wonder he wanted women to watch him shower.   I am not the ooh, ahh type, and told Shower guy that before he even started.  I have to admit, I did a double take when he first turned around, but I didn’t say, holy fuck, or anything along those lines.

Shower guy lathered up, spending quite a bit of time on his junk.  Granted it was big, but how long do you have to wash it before it is squeaky clean?  I started looking out the window next to the desk on which the computer sat.  I would glance back every now and then.  OK, he’s still soaping up the horse dick.  Window.  Back again – still washing the horse dick.  Window, penis.  You get the idea.

Things felt awkward, as there was very little conversation going on while he showered.  I tried to think of something to talk about, and I finally came up with a topic for discussion.  I said, I forgot to ask why you suddenly went from so long to so short.  I followed this immediately with, and I mean your hair, realizing I may not have worded that as well as I should have.  This is the point where I cracked myself up.  There are times when I find things, or myself, or something incredibly stupid, to be absolutely hysterical.  I started giggling and just couldn’t stop.  I swear I tried, but it would just start all over again. Shower guy said he was done, and I had ruined the experience.  I never heard from him again.

At some point in our very brief dating period, I had shown a picture of Shower guy to a male friend who also lived in that neighborhood.  A few months later, I had an urgent message.  He had seen Shower guy at a local festival and recognized him from the picture.  He said, all I could think was, that’s Shower Guy and his junk is huge.  He decided not to introduce himself.

I wish I could say this was the end of Shower Guy.  Sadly, it was not.  I was out walking our dogs with my son one day and saw Shower Guy pull into the car repair shop on the corner.  I felt things had ended in such a way that we really didn’t need to acknowledge each other, so I immediately turned around and walked in a semi crouch next to my son.  I thought I was pretty slick until my son asked, why are you hiding from that guy?  Let’s see, why was I avoiding that guy and what did I want to tell my 19 year old son?  I just said things had ended badly, and I didn’t want to bump into him.  Thankfully, this was the end of Shower Guy.  I will never take my car to that repair shop, by the way, and I will forever think of him as Shower Guy.

 

Guy 3  Malcolm – OLD GUY

I had my doubts about Malcolm.  For some reason, things just felt off.  Yet I agreed to meet the guy for dinner.  At this point, I was willing to date anyone once.

I walked to the restaurant he had chosen, one about 4 blocks from my house.  I went into the restaurant, and started looking for Malcolm.  There were very few patrons, and he had told me he had arrived.  Suddenly I spotted a man about 20 years older than the pictures Malcolm had sent waving furiously at me.  He was wearing a long sleeve shirt, covered with a button down dress shirt, with the look completed by the scarf tucked into his shirt, just like the gay guy on Scooby Doo. Fuck me, he’s ancient.  I know some women are into older guys, but they just aren’t my thing.  From the ones I dated in this endless round, most of the older guys spent the whole date bitching about their exes or child support or who should have the kids and when.  I was past all that, and really didn’t want to rehash it.  So, no older guys.  Too much baggage.

I went over to the table and asked, Malcolm?  He said, yes, I’m Malcolm.  I’m so glad you could make it.  I was speechless.  Again, this was early on in my dating career.  He ordered an appetizer for us to share, and I excused myself to go the bathroom.  Safely there, I texted my friend, he’s fucking way older than he claimed.  He told me 45, he’s at least 60, maybe 65.  She said, walk out, we’ll go to the bar and hang out.  I seriously considered it.  The guy had lied to me.  I just couldn’t do it.  I went back out to the table.

Oddly enough, I didn’t have much of an appetite.  But that was OK because Malcolm finished the entire appetizer platter by himself.  When they came for entrée orders, Malcolm said, let’s just share one, they give you a lot of food here.  He chose something, I don’t remember what.  I had about two bites, but that was OK because Malcolm finished off the whole entrée on his own as well.

Dinner was finally over.  I walked out with Malcolm who asked if I had driven there, as he knew I lived close by.  I told him no, I had walked.  He pointed to his car and said, I’m parked right here, I’ll give you a ride.  I politely refused, telling him the weather was too nice not to walk.  Honestly, I didn’t want the guy to try to kiss me in his car or know where I live.  If it had been 2 miles in a snow storm, I still would have walked it.